Medication
by teresa
Summary: Bankotsu is only sixteen years old, but his life is essentially over as far as he is concerned. But nothing's final until you're dead, and even in the darkest part of life, there is always a light.
1. Chapter 1

Medication

Medication

Chapter 1

--

"And this is where you'll be staying." Bankotsu nodded absently as the elderly female doctor had an orderly who looked about his age open a door. He kept feeling like this was all a dream, and that he'd wake up to find himself at home, in his own bed, nowhere near this hospital or this woman who ran it. "You can see that you'll have a roommate. I believe Jakotsu is in this room, is that right?" she tilted her head slightly in question and the orderly nodded.

"What did he do?" Bankotsu heard his voice as if from outside of his own body. The numbness was so complete, he couldn't feel his hands or feet at all, and the sensation was beginning to make him nauseous, making him wonder if he'd been drugged at all.

"Now then, don't worry about that." The old woman smiled in a way that Bankotsu thought was probably reassuring to people who could be affected by such a simple thing as a smile. He wasn't personally falling for the kind grandmother act. Anyone who ran a juvenile asylum like this had to be hard as nails. "You have nothing to worry about here. You're safe from everything that was hurting you out there, and in time, we hope that each and every one of the children here are able to be rehabilitated, to leave a happy, productive life. What you did was wrong, but that doesn't mean you should be separated from all human contact. I hope that you and Jakotsu can be friends, and that you can help each other."

It was a sign of how sluggishly his mind was working that he couldn't think of one smart ass retort to her idealistic speech, and by the time she had swept out of the room with the orderly, he was still struggling to concentrate on his situation enough to figure out if it was real or just a dream, as he was hoping. He felt faint, and he sat down on the neat, clearly unused bed that must be meant for him, trying to get a grip on himself. He lay down, breathing deeply and closing his eyes, counting his heartbeats backwards from one hundred. When he was much younger, his mother had taught him this trick for when he had nightmares.

"_When you open your eyes, you'll see all the monsters are gone. Don't be afraid, sweetie. I would never let something hurt you."_

He could see her face in his mind so clearly, the way it had looked then, serene and reassuring and wise. Since then…things had changed. When he'd seen her last, she wouldn't meet his eyes, and when she did, she looked much older than the years could explain, her skin lined and drawn, a few streaks of grey in her thick black hair. And he thought she had looked afraid.

_Now I'm the monster. She must be glad I'm gone…if only she knew the truth._

He continued to count, and when he reached zero, he opened his eyes to see that nothing had changed. Everything he remembered, as horrible as it seemed, had been real. Mother couldn't protect them from everything, it seemed, and he felt tears prick at his eyelids as he thought of his little sister. Would she understand?

_This is a pit. They've hidden me so that everyone in the real world will forget me. That woman says they want to make me better, but there's nothing to fix! I'm only sixteen…I wanted to do so much, but it's over now. I'll be locked up for the rest of my life._

He wondered how long before his friends and teachers forgot him. His mother and sister, the rest of his relatives, until even if he was ever released from this place, they wouldn't recognize him. He wondered if his mother would even visit him here, or if she was too afraid of him, of what he might say. He felt like he was suffocating, and he realized that he would be alone for the rest of his life, a phantom.

"Well, well, I don't remember ordering room service." A young woman entered the room as he lay alone agonizing about all that had come to pass, and Bankotsu swiftly sat up, swiping at his eyes to be sure there was no sign of tears. "I must have been _very_ good!"

"Wh—who are you?" he felt strangely exposed by the way the teenager was looking at him, almost like he was a piece of meat and she was starving.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that?" the voice was lilting and hypnotic, and in any other circumstance, Bankotsu thought he would find her very attractive, but as it was, she seemed dangerous. When she stepped inside and shut the door behind her, his heartbeat sped up so rapidly, he felt like he would pass out from the intensity of the panic that was washing over him. "This is _my_ room, after all. Did Ren get you in here?"

"Y—you're Jakotsu?" Bankotsu asked, taking a moment to locate the name in the flood of information he'd been exposed to in the past few weeks. "Are you…are you…"

"Going to be gentle?" the smile was wicked as Jakotsu climbed onto the bed and crawled toward Bankotsu like a cat getting ready to pounce. "I'll try. Unless you like it rough?"

"What…what are you doing!" he whimpered, paralyzed as Jakotsu hovered over him, their bodies coming into contact, and despite himself, he realized that the loose shirt was letting him see… "You're a man!" he tried to back up, but realized he was against the wall already, and there was really nowhere for him to go.

"Of course I am," he chuckled and reached forward, "what else would I be?"

"But you look…you look…" Bankotsu realized this weird…thing was going to touch his face, and somehow that was worse than him being draped all over his own paralyzed body, it was more real. He remembered suddenly the last person to touch his face was his mother, and this…this wasn't like that, and he didn't want this weird girl-boy touching him anywhere! "No!" he didn't realize what had happened until the haze lifted from his vision, and he saw Jakotsu on the ground, rubbing his rump and smiling slightly as he stood.

"So you _do_ like it rough." Jakotsu came at him again, but the confusion had cleared, and this time, Bankotsu was ready. He pulled at the lamp next to his bed, yanking the cord free with one hand and yielding it with the other.

"Back the fuck up," his voice only trembled slightly, and he scrambled to stand up so that he could be on better footing if this came to blows. Jakotsu was maybe half a foot taller, but he probably had at least a fifty pound advantage on this freak. "Good, don't move, and I won't crack your skull open." He warned, trying to find the confidence he used to feel. Back in the real world, before everything had happened, he'd been one of the toughest guys in his school. He used to get teased for his long hair, but once he hit puberty, that pretty much put an end to it. He wondered with a feeling of trepidation what sort of teasing _this_ guy must have had to endure. Maybe he was stronger than he looked.

Bankotsu gulped, tightening his grip so his knuckles stood out white on the hand clutching the lamp. Jakotsu had stopped moving forward, but it was clear from the way he was still smiling, from the way he licked his lips, that he was not in the least bit intimidated by Bankotsu's show of force.

_He's fucking crazy._

_Weird. Imagine meeting a crazy guy in a damn asylum._

"So…Ren didn't bring you, did he?" Jakotsu asked, his tone hopeful, and Bankotsu scowled, trying to cover his confusion by looking as scary as possible. "Are you my new roommate, then?"

"I…just got here." Bankotsu found himself at a loss as Jakotsu shrugged, and as if they weren't in the middle of a stand-off, plopped down on his bed, pulled up his legs and crossed them while reaching for the end table. He opened a drawer, and Bankotsu tensed, wondering if there was a knife or something in there. He imagined that sort of thing was banned, but he was sure people made shanks or stole them or something, and this Jakotsu seemed like he would know how to get a knife if he wanted one.

"Well then, sit down." Jakotsu smiled in a way that was completely different from before as he produced a comb from the drawer and proceeded to take down his hair. Suddenly he looked a lot less scary, and despite the gender confusion that was still making Bankotsu glance at his chest as though breasts would sprout there, he seemed like he might be a normal guy. If only the last ten minutes had never happened. "Sorry for the confusion, but today's my birthday, and I thought Ren might get me a piece of ass or something nice like that."

"Um." Bankotsu was not at all sure what to think. He sat down on his bed, carefully setting down the lamp so he could try to gather his thoughts. "Who is…Ren?"

"Oh!" Jakotsu rolled his eyes upward in a distinctly feminine fashion, tilting his head to one side to help him comb out his hair more easily. It hadn't looked that long when it was pulled up, but Bankotsu could see it just seemed that way since it was finer than his. He could see that it went nearly halfway down his back, and although Bankotsu's own hair was quite a bit longer, it was odd how Jakotsu's looked so…well, girly. "He's another guy who lives here. We're kind of friends."

"Kind of?" Bankotsu wondered if Jakotsu had been serious when he had approached him in such a manner, and was hoping that they could pretend that had never happened. Mentally, he told himself that they could start over right now. He found that he _wanted_ to like this person, though he couldn't help being wary of anyone he met in such a place…but before Jakotsu had come in the room, he'd been listless and depressed. Now, at least, the other young man had made him snap out of his stupor.

"Well, I just don't really trust him, you know?" Jakotsu explained, running fingers through his hair before expertly twisting it back up and pinning it in place. "I mean, he seems friendly sometimes, but I think he just wants to sleep with me. Plus, he's so weird, always obsessed with like lighting things on fire and doing elaborate escape plans that _never_ work. I mean, he seems smart, but if he really _is_ so smart, then why'd he ever get caught? And why is he still here?"

"Oh." Bankotsu attempted to process all this and found it quite difficult. "He's…um, he's gay too?"

"Totally." Jakotsu nodded firmly. "He's sleeping with his roommate, everyone knows, and his roommate is a total weirdo, so Ren is _clearly_ just taking advantage, and I mean, it's clear he's trying to prey on me because I'm a nymphomaniac, but I'd get in so much trouble with my doctor, and he's really not that good looking."

"Oh." Bankotsu gulped as he was reminded of what had just happened. "So…is that why you're here? Because you like to…um…"

"Sort of." Jakotsu shrugged and giggled. "We'll say that's the short version."

"Are there lots of other…um…" Bankotsu found he couldn't even say what he was thinking, and he flushed, feeling unaccountably foolish.

"Gays?" Jakotsu asked. "Pshaw, I wish. There's this one orderly…oh man, what I wouldn't do to tie him up…" he sighed, and clasped his hands together, looking strangely innocent after what he had just said. "One day, maybe. No, there's not that many that I know about. Why, are you gay?"

"No!" Bankotsu answered immediately and he flushed deeper when Jakotsu started laughing at the vehemence of his reaction. "I mean, no, I'm not gay."

"Too bad," Jakotsu sighed as he stood and patted his hair in the mirror. "But I really shouldn't be surprised. That old bat wouldn't give me a nice sexy roommate unless he were straight as an arrow, just to torture me."

"Do you mean the…the director?" he struggled to find her name in the recesses of his mind. "Dr. Fuyu?"

"What, didn't she ask you to call her Kaede?" Jakotsu turned and snorted, rolling his eyes. "She's always trying to be all friendly, like we can't tell she can't wait to retire and forget about this house of freaks forever."

"I know what you mean." Suddenly Bankotsu felt that Jakotsu was not that different from him, even though seemed strange at first. _He's probably afraid of being trapped here forever, too._ He had been scared of Jakotsu at first, but it turned out that he really couldn't help it, since it was some sort of compulsion. Bankotsu wasn't really sure how that worked, but he felt like compared to what he had done, if one of them had reason to be afraid, really, it was Jakotsu. And now that he understood that Bankotsu wasn't interested in anything like that, surely that would be the end of it. He felt a sudden surge of hope that maybe everything wouldn't be as bad as he thought. Everyone else might forget them, but maybe they could be friends, and they would remember each other.

"Come on, then," Jakotsu beckoned. "It's dinner time. Stick with me and you'll be fine. I know that was a little weird before, but I think we could be good friends." Bankotsu scrambled to follow him, and when they found the dining area, he was reminded oddly of a cafeteria. _Yeah, if everyone's uniforms had been like this instead, it could almost be like high school. _Most of the people there appeared to be about his age, and the fact that they were all wearing the standard grayish blue shapeless outfit the inmates were all issued, it was almost as if they were in fact wearing uniforms. _It's like high school…or maybe like prison._ That thought depressed him further and reminded him all over that these people were all criminals. All of them had done something to warrant being locked away in an asylum. He wondered if anyone had done anything as bad as him. "Oh, yeah, I know, I hate when they have mashed potatoes here. They can't make them right at _all_. But the pudding is pretty good. I think they're trying to fatten me up." Jakotsu had clearly misinterpreted Bankotsu's suddenly depressed look, but it did make him smile to imagine the wiry youth next to him worrying about his weight. He followed Jakotsu, grabbing the servings of food set out for them until they reached the end of the line where a nurse was handing out tiny cups of something…

"Pills?" Bankotsu frowned as Jakotsu accepted his with a broad grin.

"You must be our new patient." The orange-haired nurse scanned a list she apparently used to know who got what. "Nothing for you, yet. Pleased to meet you!"

"Yeah, just ignore her, she's a freak." Jakotsu scowled at the young woman as if she had mortally offended him by opening her mouth at all. "Honestly, and they lock us away. Drug pusher." He shot a nasty glare at her and then turned, almost running straight into a pair of female patients. "Hey, watch it!" he hissed, and Bankotsu noticed that suddenly Jakotsu's pills were missing. When they sat down next some other young men who were already eating, he felt he should point this out.

"That girl took your pills." He whispered, and Jakotsu chuckled. He had a very nice laugh. It made him sound as if he knew something no one else did.

"Kagura? Yeah, she gets things in exchange for them and gives them to me. Plus, I don't want those pills, they make me weird." Jakotsu explained. Bankotsu bit back the urge to say that maybe with those pills, he wouldn't be jumping all over total strangers. He had a feeling Jakotsu did not find that sort of thing to be a problem he would want to prevent at all.

"Are you the new guy?" a young man across the table with a shaved head asked, and Bankotsu nodded. "Good luck living with Jakotsu."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Bankotsu asked as Jakotsu pelted the speaker in the head with his dinner roll.

"Well, do you value your chastity at all?" the young man asked, raising his eyebrow in a way that somehow struck Bankotsu as arrogant. "Then again, he's already had an hour alone with you. Is there anything left to defile?"

"Shut up, Ren." Jakotsu stuck his tongue out as though he was five years old, and Bankotsu's mind clicked with recognition over the name that had already come up.

"I have asked you _repeatedly_ to call me Renkotsu." the other man narrowed his eyes in clear annoyance. "I do not approve of nicknames." He turned back to Bankotsu then. "Listen to me. I once had to live with him, and he was climbing on me every chance he got. If I were you, I'd request a room change. He's nice enough, but he simply can't be trusted to control himself."

"Shtrue." a broad-set young man with wild hair sitting next to Renkotsu nodded with his mouth full of food.

"Now, what you really need is someone who can help you understand the ropes of this place, and I'm perfect for that." Renkotsu explained, meticulously buttering his roll while his eyes bored into Bankotsu as though this were really a staring contest of some sort. "Most everyone at this table has been here long enough, we can teach you who and what to avoid. For instance, drug-smuggling trash like that Kagura should—"

"You're just pissed she won't get you matches 'cause your pills suck." Jakotsu interjected, and a couple of the other young men laughed at this, including the broad-set young man, who immediately began choking on his food.

"Ginkotsu!" Renkotsu slapped his back until he regained himself. "Are you alright?"

"Ignore him, he's just jealous." Jakotsu hissed to Bankotsu, letting his hand rest on the shorter man's arm just long enough to be noticed, but not so long that Bankotsu became uncomfortable. "So these are the closest thing to friends I have in this place." He indicated the whole table. "That's Mukotsu, Kyoukotsu, Ren you've met, his roommate Ginkotsu, and last but not least, that moper right there who looks ready to go write some emo poetry is Suikotsu."

"Now that you're here, maybe he'll stop trying to seduce poor Suikotsu." Renkotsu pointed out. "Honestly, Jakotsu, you're nearly as bad as Naraku."

"And you're even worse." Jakotsu retorted, sticking his tongue out again. Bankotsu decided that maybe he should just eat and hope for the best. It was almost nice listening to them argue like they were just normal teenagers.

--

To be Continued…


	2. Chapter 2

Medication

Medication

Chapter 2

--

The first night was the most difficult. While he was meeting other people, listening to the banter between the small social group, and enjoying the way Jakotsu and Renkotsu fought for his attention, it was easy for Bankotsu to forget where he was. It felt almost like he was still at school, like none of it had ever happened, but when they returned to their rooms and the time came for lights out, he found that he couldn't sleep. He kept replaying everything that had led him here in his mind, wondering how it had all gone so wrong. He could feel the panic setting in, the irrational fear that there were monsters in the room overwhelmed him, and he had to force himself not to hyperventilate. He wasn't a kid anymore, he shouldn't be thinking these things!

"One hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-eight," he breathed in and out, his eyes screwed shut, trying to concentrate on his heartbeat. By the time he was in the seventies, he started to regain control, but then he heard footsteps in the room, and he suddenly lost count. There was a shift of weight on his bed, and he clenched his hands over the blanket as though it could shield him from a sudden attack. His eyes flew open, and he saw a dark figure leaning in.

"What are you doing?" it asked, and Bankotsu sighed in relief. Only Jakotsu.

"Nothing." He answered in a whisper, not trusting his voice not to crack.

"You were counting." Jakotsu corrected. "I heard you, breathing heavy. Were you masturbating?" he was somehow able to make the question sound casual and almost innocent.

"No, just couldn't sleep." He mumbled, flushing at Jakotsu's assumption. "It helps me fall asleep if I count like that."

"Like counting sheep?" Jakotsu asked, and Bankotsu nodded.

"Kind of." He couldn't decide whether he wanted Jakotsu to leave or not, whether the boy was making him feel better or scaring him even worse.

"When I can't sleep, I masturbate." Jakotsu told him as though imparting advice. "It makes me all sleepy. You should try it."

"I…I'm not going to…you're right here!" Bankotsu hissed in shock.

"I don't mind." Jakotsu shrugged. "But I know some guys have a block like that. Like if you're trying to pee and there's someone right there and suddenly you can't." There was a long pause, and Jakotsu crossed his legs, making himself more comfortable and leaning against the wall, as if he had every right to be on Bankotsu's bed. "Do I make you uncomfortable?" he asked, his tone lacking its normal playfulness.

"Sometimes." Bankotsu admitted, and he heard Jakotsu breathe out slowly, as though he was carefully digesting this fact.

"Look, I know I seem really…well, I like sex a lot, so it comes up a lot, and you're probably thinking that I'm going to wait until you're asleep and molest you or something, but I want you to know that I meant what I said about us being friends, and I don't want you to have to stay up all night counting backwards sheep because of me, so if I freak you out, just say so, and I'll stop…whatever it is, okay?" there was a glint of light, and Bankotsu could see that Jakotsu was smiling at him hopefully.

"Okay," Bankotsu was slightly surprised by Jakotsu's candor. He seemed to honestly want to put Bankotsu at his ease, and it made him feel a bit foolish. He didn't like this. He didn't like seeming so nervous and innocent and jumpy, and he wished he could bring back the confidence that had served him so well since middle school, but something about Jakotsu put him on edge.

"I'll let you sleep, then." The other boy clambered off the bed, smoothing the blanket down like a mother might, and leaning down to touch his lips to Bankotsu's forehead before scrambling back to his own bed. Bankotsu knew he should be annoyed that Jakotsu had kissed him after saying all of that, but it hadn't really seemed sexual, and there was no point in making Jakotsu feel bad for showing a little concern for his roommate. He turned and saw that while he was looking across the room, the other boy was looking back at him, and somehow, despite everything, that helped him fall asleep. Together, they could keep the monsters away.

--

"Hey there," Bankotsu nearly leapt out of his skin when the girl he had seen the day before draped her arms over his shoulders as he simply tried to eat his breakfast. "How's our new kid?"

"Back up, Kagura, you don't need to sleep with _everyone_ here." Jakotsu's tone was acid, and she laughed in response as the pale girl accompanying her helped herself to a free seat and pulled out a notepad, not bothering to speak to anyone.

"Okay, talk about the pot calling the kettle black." Kagura winked at the still startled Bankotsu before sitting next to her silent companion. "My name's Kagura, as you might have guessed, and this is Kikyo."

"I'm Bankotsu," he wondered if this girl had the same problem as Jakotsu. They both seemed to be…very friendly at times.

"She knows your name already." Jakotsu seemed agitated for some reason. "She knows everything that happens around here before it even happens."

"I have sources, it's true." Kagura smiled secretively. "Now, then, before Jakotsu kills me for drawing your attention away from _him_, I actually came over here for business purposes. Oh, Jakotsu, by the way…" she snapped her fingers, and Kikyo produced a small parcel which she handed to the young man, who immediately seemed to be in a much better mood. Bankotsu watched with detached confusion as he unwrapped a tube of lipstick and immediately began applying it, using the back of a spoon to check how it looked.

"Um…" Bankotsu was really doing his best to think of Jakotsu as a guy who was just a bit prettier, which really wasn't his fault…but this made it obvious that Jakotsu had no problems with appearing feminine. And yet…he really seemed to dislike women…what was going on with him?

"Yeah, that's nothing, you should see how good he looks in a dress." Kagura giggled as she watched the odd expression on Bankotsu's face. "All kidding aside, I hear you're pretty crazy."

"Wh—what?" Bankotsu felt a wave of panic sweep over him. How could anyone besides the staff know what he'd done? He wasn't sure he wanted to tell anyone, and if Jakotsu found out, there was no way he'd want to live in the same room, and Bankotsu would end up alone, probably in some padded room…

"I _said_ I have my sources." Kagura shrugged slightly. "I don't know much, so don't get upset if you're trying to keep your psychosis under wraps. Although, seriously, a little late for that at this point. Notice where we are?"

"Kagura, please." Kikyo finally spoke, looking up with a skeptical tilt to her eyebrows. "This coming from Ms. Undiagnosable?"

"Heh, it's true," Kagura flushed, but looked extremely pleased with herself. "See, first they thought I had depression, and they gave me these pills that were…well, I didn't have any, you see, I don't like drugs. But they sold for a lot, so _someone_ must have liked them. And then they thought that I had anger issues from being molested all the time—"

"Which she never was," Kikyo cut in. "Kagura's greatest joy is torturing her therapist. She's a pathological liar, and they can't find her root because she just lies all the time. From what she tells him, her therapist thinks she was passed around at the family reunion more than the macaroni salad. In truth, she had a rather cushy childhood, so I don't—"

"Okay, thanks Dr. Kikyo," Kagura elbowed the girl, who grimaced before returning her attention to her notepad. "I think she wants to be a psychiatrist when she grows up. Like they'll ever let her out after what _she_ did."

"What did she…I mean…is it okay to ask that?" Bankotsu immediately regretted even beginning the question. If he wasn't going to tell them about his past, it wasn't fair for him to ask.

"I tried to kill my whole family." Kikyo volunteered without looking up. "I failed, but I do think I managed to make my little brother think I'm crazy."

"Wake up call, Kikyo." Kagura waved an arm about. "You _are_ crazy. Notice the asylum?"

"Are you going away yet?" Jakotsu seemed to be done with his lipstick, and now he was back to his secondary interest of making the girls go away.

"Keep your pants on, princess," Kagura rolled her eyes before turning back to Bankotsu. "Well, I just wanted to know, if you need anything from the outside, I run a rather brisk trade, as Jakotsu can tell you. They'll probably put you on a few pills at least, and if you'd like to trade them for goods, I'm your girl." She stood up and blew Jakotsu a kiss, to his clear disgust. "Come on, Kikyo." Both girls left, and Bankotsu turned back to his cereal with a look of confusion on his face.

"Stupid girls." Jakotsu grumbled. "Do you like my lipstick?" he appealed, his tone immediately becoming much happier and friendlier.

"Um…so do you like…do you ever wear girl's clothes?" Bankotsu was pretty sure there was no way to ask that question that wouldn't lead to a high risk of getting punched in the face.

"When I get to get out of _this_ glamorous thing, yes, pretty much all the time." Jakotsu answered with a grin.

"So…you dress like a girl, but you hate girls?" Bankotsu stared at his bowl as though it might have the answer to all of this within its milky depths.

"Is this a question?" Jakotsu tilted his head. "Girls are…well, they're annoying! Did you see how she tried to flirt with you the whole time she was over here? Anyway, I do _not _dress 'like a girl.' I dress like however I want. And I want this." He held up the lipstick.

"Okay, yeah." Bankotsu decided it wasn't worth an argument, so he just dropped it. "So, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," Jakotsu was now making kissy faces at his spoon.

"Does Kagura really know about everyone?" he tried not to sound nervous and Jakotsu merely shrugged slightly.

"Well, not _everything_, but she knows a lot. She's such a gossip." Jakotsu rolled his eyes. "And you know where she gets most of her information?"

"She sneaks into the director's office and looks through everyone's records?" Bankotsu guessed, and Jakotsu became suddenly thoughtful.

"No, but remind me to do that later. That sounds excellent." Bankotsu flushed slightly with pleasure at the compliment. "There's this one orderly she's sleeping with."

"What?" Bankotsu was surprised. This seemed like such a neat and tidy place, and Dr. Fuyu seemed like she really ran a tight ship, but apparently not. Jakotsu nodded and giggled, and Bankotsu was struck by the irony of him calling Kagura a gossip only moments ago.

"It's true," Jakotsu leaned in, whispering. "How do you think she has such a good trade between us and the outside? I mean, I've seen prison movies, and usually you can find someone who can get things, but it takes weeks and months. I made my last payment on this lipstick last night, and now I'm wearing it. Impressive turnaround, right?"

"Uh, I guess." He had to admit, unless she had sent for the lipstick weeks ago in preparation, that _was_ very impressive. "So, does she know what everyone here did?"

"Most of us, in varying degrees of detail." Jakotsu admitted before seeing how pale Bankotsu had gone. He patted him on the back bracingly. "Man, you must have done something _really _bad if you don't want to say. That's okay, a lot of people don't like to talk about their neuroses. If it'll make you feel better, I can tell you about this guy Naraku. See, he—"

"Jakotsu, come on," a surly looking orderly came over. "Dr. Taijiya's waiting."

"Oops, time for my morning stroll with Inuyasha." Jakotsu giggled and blew a kiss over his shoulder in a way that caused Bankotsu to burst out laughing. He sighed and returned to his breakfast, but just as he finished and was about to stand, another young man came over and sat next to him.

"Hello," the inmate lowered his head in a quasi-bow, and Bankotsu frowned, not sure that he liked all this sudden attention. "My name is Naraku."

"Oh," Bankotsu recalled what Jakotsu had been saying, and felt a stab of fear. What had this guy done that everyone else used him as some sort of legend? "My name is Bankotsu."

"I notice that you seem to have already made some new friends." Naraku smiled slightly. The way he said friends made it sound completely inappropriate, and Bankotsu bristled at once, but he was too nervous of this person to say anything. "You do realize what Jakotsu intends, I take it?"

"We're…roommates." Bankotsu could not think of what to say. There was something so off-putting about this person, he had the sudden irrational belief that he had been locked up simply for being too creepy. How could someone nearly his age be so…scary?

"Ah, yes, it is best to maintain your distance with him." Naraku nodded approvingly. "You see, Jakotsu typically lives alone. He assaulted all of his former roommates, and they moved out once they saw him for the monster he truly is. You seem clever. You have probably noticed the way he pretends to want only to be your friend, and yet he does small things no friend would do. He loves to make his victims trust him, and when they believe no harm could ever befall them…I must say, it is very disturbing what he does. You have a very nice face…I do not wish to see it scarred. If you are interested, I have an open double as well, since my former roommate was transferred. I would be happy to welcome you into my protection."

"I think I'll be okay." Bankotsu felt an odd squirming, and while he felt he could not trust this young man…some of what he said did strike a chord.

"You are very brave." Naraku patted him on the back. "But remain cautious. Even if he cannot fully possess you, Jakotsu often becomes very jealous when someone he has set his sights on does not bow to his sick demands. You know, of course, what he did to become an inmate?"

"Something about being a nympho…" Bankotsu had to admit it sounded odd even as he said it. Just because someone was having sex all the time…unless they were assaulting children or something, why would they be locked up with the likes of him? Kikyo's story had sounded much more believable, now that he thought about it.

"He was obsessed with his therapist." Naraku's smile was truly wicked. Clearly, he took a great pleasure in being able to tell this story. "You see, his parents realized he had a problem, but everything was more subtle then. Some complaints from other parents, stories from school about him 'fighting' with other boys…they thought he simply needed some anger management. What they did not realize was that he would become completely fixated with the doctor assigned his case. Jakotsu is highly delusional, and builds entire relationships out of nothing. You must have noticed that he is already acting oddly close to you for someone you met only yesterday, someone who supposedly already has so many friends. In his mind, his therapist and him were in love, and when he broke into the poor man's house and found him with his actual girlfriend, he became highly unstable. He murdered them both. If you have a mind, you should try to break into the director's office and check his file. The case photos are truly gruesome. He was utterly ruthless with them, and if you are not cautious, the same fate may befall you." Bankotsu did not know what to say, he was so shocked at the truth, but before he could think of any response, they were interrupted.

"Hey, you're Bankotsu, right?" the same surly orderly was back. "It's time for your session. Come with me."

--

To be Continued…


	3. Chapter 3

Medication

Medication

Chapter 3

--

"Thank you for bringing him, Inuyasha." A pretty woman with deep red eyes opened the door Bankotsu had just been led to. She smiled brilliantly at her new patient, and Bankotsu felt himself wondering how old she was. "Hello, Bankotsu, I'm Dr. Taijiya. Come on in!"

"Okay," he felt suddenly very lucky. This girl was his therapist? She seemed nice enough, and to top it all, she was pretty good looking. Plus, he'd rather concentrate on her than on the concerns Naraku had brought up only minutes ago.

"Sit wherever you like," she pulled up her own chair and gestured to another armchair and a couch. Bankotsu sat in the chair and blinked at her, feeling a bit more wary as she pulled out a folder and began flipping through it.

_That must be my file. I wonder if there are pictures of what happened…after seeing that, I'm sure that this whole sweet talk thing is an act to try and get something out of me. No one can possibly understand why I had to…they just don't believe me._

"So," she closed the folder and smiled at him again, "how do you like it here so far?"

"Uh," he was thrown off balance by her unexpectedly mundane question. "It's kinda weird, honestly, but it's okay."

"Have you made any friends yet?" she asked, tilting her head as though she really wanted to know, as if she thought he was just a normal person and had no idea what he'd done. "How about your roommate, is that working out?"

"Well…it's really only my second day. I'm still figuring things out." He answered noncommittally.

"I saw that you were eating with a few other patients last night." She smiled softly. "It's good to see that you're making an effort to fit in, at least, even if it is a bit different from what you're used to."

"Aren't you supposed to ask me why I did it, or like, try to de-crazy me or something?" Bankotsu finally blurted out, and she gave him a look of slight surprise before shrugging.

"Did you want to talk about that?" she asked, standing up and plugging in an electric teapot before glancing over at him. "Would you like some tea?"

"I'm fine." Bankotsu was feeling more and more suspicious of this woman's intentions by the minute. What was her plan, acting all nice and friendly, pretending they weren't in a crazy house, pretending like she didn't know everything he'd done?

"Let me know if you change your mind." She told him, pulling a box of tea out of her drawer and letting a single bag rest in her waiting cup. She leaned against her windowsill, her eyes returning to Bankotsu as she waited for the pot to boil. "So, did you want to talk about your father?"

"He wasn't my father." Bankotsu snapped irritably. "And no, I don't."

"That's okay," she seemed genuinely unconcerned with his defensive attitude. "What would you like to talk about instead?"

"Nothing." He crossed his arms and turned so that he couldn't see her face. She seemed so guileless and sweet, but it was clear that couldn't be true. If anyone like that knew the truth about him, they wouldn't let him in the same room as them alone. There was a long silence, and he found his thoughts wandering back to what Naraku had told him. Was it really true?

"What are you thinking about?" Dr. Taijiya asked as she poured hot water in her teacup to let it steep.

"It sucks here." He told her with more venom than was necessary. "No one's how they seem."

"What about you?" she asked. "Do you think you're different from how you seem?"

"You're the doctor, you tell me." He replied. "Do I seem dangerous to you?"

"Everyone can be dangerous, given the right circumstances." She told him, sitting back down with her cup of tea. "Everyone can be pushed over the edge, the only question is how much force does it take? If you think you're dangerous, that just means you've been pushed too far. I'm here to help you back, if you'll let me."

"No one wants to help me." He assured her. "They just want to make me disappear so they can live their happy, normal lives without having to worry about what I could do next, what I might mess up."

"I know you've been through something horrible, and it seems like your life can never go back to what it used to be, but does it really seem so strange that I would honestly want to help you?" She asked, seeming slightly injured by the insinuation. "Why would I be here if I didn't want to help?"

"I don't know, how much are you getting paid?" he asked, and rather than getting upset, she laughed.

"Not much, I'll tell you that." She told him. "I could make a lot more listen to rich businessmen telling me about their insecurities if I wanted to, but I want to make a difference, and I really do want to help everyone that I can. It's up to you whether you'll let me help you or not. You can make a choice, because it's your life, after all. Would you rather stay here forever and wallow in the past, or would you like to see what we can find if we try to move forward?"

"That's really nice." Bankotsu sighed heavily after a while. "But it sounds like a load of horse shit to me." She didn't seem angered by his words at all, she simply blinked at him expectantly. "Lady, if you really believe that I can ever get out of here and just go be normal, than _you're_ the crazy one."

"Maybe." She smiled as if she knew a secret, and Bankotsu felt irrationally angry with her. Didn't she ever get angry?

"Can I go now?" he asked.

"Your appointment ends in twenty minutes." She told him and sipped her tea serenely. "You can leave when it's over."

--

"And then she just sat there with her damn tea!" Bankotsu flopped back on his bed in high dudgeon. "She didn't say anything! It's like I wasn't even there. This place is a joke. How is sitting there doing nothing for twenty minutes supposed to make anyone better?"

"That ugly bitch." Jakotsu grumbled. "She used to be my doctor."

"What happened?" Bankotsu turned in sudden interest.

"They switched me to another doctor when I attacked her." He examined his nails as if this were a normal, everyday occurrence. "Now I have a much cuter doctor."

"You attacked her?" Bankotsu suddenly recalled what Naraku had told him. His annoyance with his therapist had completely driven it out of his mind. "Like…was it bad?"

"She doesn't have scars, if that's what you're asking." Jakotsu shrugged. "I tried to throw her out the window. Turns out that glass is pretty strong."

"Oh." Bankotsu considered this information slowly, thinking over what Naraku had told him. Could Jakotsu really have killed two people? He seemed so nonchalant when he talked about throwing Dr. Taijiya out a window, but then again, her office was only a second floor room, it wouldn't have killed her. And he had to admit, if it would wipe that calm expression off her face, it might be worth it. "Well."

"So! What did you think of Inuyasha?" Jakotsu switched the topic swiftly, and Bankotsu had to pause to catch up.

"The orderly?" he hazarded a guess, and his roommate nodded with enthusiasm. "What about him?"

"I am madly in lust with him." Jakotsu clutched his hands to his chest and sighed wistfully. "I've been trying to crack him for ages now. I think that deep down, we've all got some same-sex leanings, so I just have to put in more effort for those supposed "straight" guys. Don't you think?"

"Um…" Bankotsu recalled when he had first met this wild young man, and wondered if this meant that Jakotsu thought if he just put the effort in, he could get Bankotsu to want… "I don't really think that's true."

"Oh please." Jakotsu rolled his eyes. "Dash all my dreams, why don't you? Are you honestly going to tell me you don't think I'm attractive?" he rolled his head back, his hair catching the sun as it moved over his shoulder.

"I told you, I don't—" Bankotsu's voice caught as Jakotsu crossed over to sit on his bed with him, leaning his arm back to cross over Bankotsu's prostrate form, causing his cascade of wavy hair to tumble in a curtain between him and the door, making Jakotsu's face seem much closer than it really was. "Jakotsu, I told you not—"

"Haven't you ever thought about what it would be like?" the arm that wasn't supporting his weight moved, and Jakotsu laid his palm gently over Bankotsu's stomach, touching the strip of flesh that was exposed between his shirt and his pants. "I mean, everyone's curious sometimes."

"Stop," He whispered as he felt the panic closing in, but just as soon as the situation had seemed to become threatening, Jakotsu froze and raised both hands as if in surrender.

"Sorry!" he giggled slightly and stood up, still holding his hands up as though to show Bankotsu he wasn't going to touch him again. "I guess I just don't think sometimes!" he twirled a lock of hair carelessly around one finger and sat back down on his own bed. "Didn't mean to freak you out."

"It's…okay." Bankotsu felt oddly breathless and lightheaded, as if the sudden switch in and out of such an alien situation had left him exhausted. "I'm fine."

"Do you need to do that counting thing?" Jakotsu asked. "I can be quiet."

"No…keep talking." Bankotsu was trying to ease the panic that seemed to be restraining his breath like iron bands around his chest. "I need…"

"Okay…what about a story?" Jakotsu asked, seeming a bit worried that his roommate was clutching at his sheets, clearly struggling to breathe properly. "Story…think of a story. Dammit, I can't think…do you need a doctor?"

"No…I need to just…" Bankotsu closed his eyes, trying to focus, trying to hear his heartbeat, trying to slow his breathing. "Please…" he hissed, and Jakotsu clearly took this as a plea to tell a story. Jakotsu bit his lip and concentrated.

"Okay, okay…um, once upon a time there was a little boy who was magical, although he didn't know it, because he lived with four horrible witches who were mean to him and never let him think he was special or good, and made him do all kinds of chores and things, and hit him whenever he questioned anything. He thought they were his family, but actually he was the prince of the fairies, and they had kidnapped him when he was just a baby. They thought they could get the King and Queen of the fairies to pay a big ransom for him, but the queen already had another baby, and so she didn't care and refused their demands, and the witches were so angry, they made the boy their slave and never let him know that he was actually powerful enough to escape them any time that he wanted. Then one day the prince was gathering berries, and a man on a horse saw him and thought that he was girl, because he was very pretty, and decided that he wanted to marry the prince. So he rode to the boy and told him that he was only a farmer, and not very rich, but that he would like to marry him, and the prince told him that he was a boy, but since he was so beautiful, and the fairy magic in him was making the farmer fall for him more and more, the farmer said he didn't care, and he wanted to marry him anyway."

"What kind of story is this?" Bankotsu was much calmer now, and he smiled slightly as he turned to his roommate, who smiled back so brilliantly he felt his chest tighten with the knowledge that Jakotsu cared about him.

"Are you okay?" he climbed off his bed and sat down next to Bankotsu's bed, his chin and hands perched on the edge as he blinked at the other young man. "You looked like you were having a heart attack."

"I get worked up sometimes." Bankotsu shrugged as if it were no big deal. "I didn't mean to scare you."

"It was my fault, wasn't it?" Jakotsu's voice wobbled slightly, and Bankotsu felt suddenly as if he had to comfort the other man, and had to push the urge down. "Because I was teasing you like that…I didn't mean anything by it!"

"Don't worry about it, I'm fine now, right?" Bankotsu smiled shakily and sat up, unable to resist the urge to ruffle Jakotsu's hair.

"My hair! You messed it all up!" Jakotsu shrieked, running across the room for his comb as though this emergency far outweighed the worry he had felt over Bankotsu.

Bankotsu couldn't help wondering if Jakotsu's suddenly flippant behavior wasn't just a distraction from his embarrassment over getting so worried. He watched Jakotsu combing his hair out meticulously and tried not to think about how soft it had felt. Jakotsu was someone who definitely was not the way he seemed at first, and Bankotsu wasn't quite sure what to make of him yet. Whatever Naraku thought, he was sure that Jakotsu wasn't a bad person.

--

To be continued…


	4. Chapter 4

Medication

Medication

Chapter 4

--

"You seem rather agitated for someone taking so many medications." Bankotsu whirled around, ready to lay into whoever was teasing him and found himself face to face with Kikyo. After a month, he felt comfortable around many of his fellow inmates, but he always felt a bit wary of Kikyo. He kept trying to connect this calm, quiet girl with the act she had claimed…trying to kill her entire family…it made him wonder if she was plotting things like that constantly behind her porcelain exterior. She was so different from Kagura, and he wasn't sure how the two could be so close.

"Mind your own business." He grumbled, wishing he could blow off all the steam he collected during his silent sessions with the unshakeable Dr. Taijiya.

"It seems to me that if you're going about stomping and slamming doors, you want other people minding your business." She raised a dark eyebrow. "How was your session?"

"I hate that fucking bitch!" he hissed, pointing down the hall toward Dr. Taijiya's office. "She acts like she cares, but for all the difference it would make, she could have a damn scarecrow sitting in there with me. She's a total hack, like sitting there staring at me for half an hour every day is really making me better!"

"Of course she cares." Kikyo told him calmly. "Perhaps she is attempting to make you care, and from what I can see, it is working."

"Why would _anyone_ give a shit about us?" Bankotsu rolled his eyes. "You think your family ever wants to see you again? I bet they're a load happier knowing you're here."

"Come with me." Kikyo's voice was tight, and Bankotsu worried for a moment what she was going to do, but she simply led him down the hall. "I want you to meet someone."

"Why?" Bankotsu asked, but she didn't answer, and he continued following her, curious in spite of himself. She led him to another part of the asylum that he had seen when he had first arrived, but had not visited since. He thought possibly that this was where the younger patients stayed. He saw a girl of perhaps eight years skip past clutching a doll and wondered vaguely what someone so young and seemingly innocent had done to warrant imprisonment. It was a small ward, though. He could see right away that there were much less patients here than in the main part of the asylum. He wondered if they were going to see another doctor or a patient when Kikyo led him to the common room and made a straight approach to a boy who was building a puzzle by himself, ignoring the other children watching television.

"Hello, Kohaku." She sat down across from him and handed him a piece of the puzzle. He smiled at her shyly and tapped his lips with the piece before placing it. "My name is Kikyo, do you remember me?"

"I don't know." He flushed and picked up another piece of the puzzle. He considered it momentarily before placing it. Bankotsu was mildly impressed with this kid's ability to solve puzzles. This looked like a difficult one, but the kid seemed to know almost automatically where every piece went. It was weird, but vaguely hypnotic to watch.

"Do you like puzzles, Kohaku?" she asked him, her tone much kinder with this boy than Bankotsu was used to.

"Yeah." He nodded, placing another piece as he glanced at her shyly.

"Where did you get this puzzle?" she asked. Bankotsu thought this kid was weird, but he was failing to see what the point of this was supposed to be.

"A doctor gave it to me." He mumbled, placing another piece.

"Do you know what her name was?" Kikyo asked, and the boy shrugged, concentrating on his puzzle.

"She had red eyes." He told Kikyo. "She was nice."

"She sounds nice." Kikyo nodded. "Does anyone else ever give you presents? Your parents, maybe?"

"I don't have parents." Kohaku told her. "I never did."

"That's too bad. Thanks for talking with me today." Kikyo handed him another piece which he placed easily in the puzzle. She stood up and motioned for Bankotsu to follow her, which he did, feeling like his patience with this whole performance was clearly legendary.

"Okay," Bankotsu finally burst out as they left the ward. "What was that all about? Is the doctor supposed to be Taijiya? And since she gave some kid a puzzle, now I know she's clearly a good person?"

"His name is Kohaku Taijiya." Kikyo responded without looking over at Bankotsu. "He's the doctor's younger brother. His mother died when he was a baby. When he was eight, he woke up one day, and for no apparent reason, killed his father. He might have killed his sister if she'd been home, but she wasn't. He has been here ever since. His sister was studying to be a psychiatrist at the time, and once she was certified, she did everything she could to be positioned here, likely to be close to her brother. He seems to be unable to recognize her, or almost any person, but he has an uncanny skill for puzzles of all sorts."

There was a long silence, Bankotsu frowned at her before speaking again. "How do I know you aren't just making that up? I mean, how did you find all that out?"

"You can always choose whether or not to believe me." Kikyo responded, blinking at him as she stopped walking and crossed her arms. "You can also choose whether or not to have faith that things can change. Do you think I would like to continue as I am, and never move forward? None of us wants to stay here forever, and unless you are the exception, I would recommend you try to show a little faith in Dr. Taijiya. If she still believes in her brother, she clearly will not give up on you."

"How can you act so righteous when you're helping half the people here trade their meds for lipstick or cigarettes or whatever else they want?" Bankotsu growled.

"If they can't understand that they need those pills more than they need those other things, how will they live in the real world?" Kikyo retorted. "Many of us have chemical imbalances. I could trade my pills for a razor and reopen these," she flashed her scarred wrists at him, "but I don't. And there are some things we will not get for people, mostly weapons. Renkotsu's been trying to get us to get him matches for almost a year now. If he was outside, it wouldn't be so hard. But maybe with the pills he's on, he can learn to control his desires. And maybe you can find some calm, and I can learn to see things in a better light."

"What about Jakotsu?" he asked, not realizing this was still bothering him until the words were out of his mouth. She pursed her lips at him, giving him a considering look.

"What about him?" she asked.

"Kagura knows everything that goes on here, right?" she nodded and he continued. "She knows what's wrong with all of us. Does she know what Jakotsu did?"

"That's what you want to know?" Kikyo raised a brow as though very disappointed. "If you want to know, why don't you ask him?"

"Because…" he trailed off as the answer became clear to him. "He might want to know what I've done."

"Then maybe you should tell him. You two seem close." She tilted her head. "Kagura didn't stop spending time with me when I told her about my family."

"Okay." He paused and then turned back to her. "Why…why did you do it?"

"I thought they were going to leave me." She explained as though it were perfectly obvious. "I poisoned everyone. I didn't use enough, even on myself. Maybe I miscalculated, or maybe it was a cry for help." She sighed wistfully and turned to head down the hallway, leaving Bankotsu to consider everything he'd learned that day.

--

"Hey!" Jakotsu was bouncing around the room when Bankotsu returned. "Ooh, you look so down! Stupid doctor. Want me to throw her out another window for you? I can open it first."

"No thanks." He knew he shouldn't laugh at something like that, but it was a bit funny. He sat down on his bed and Jakotsu settled momentarily next to him. "You seem…cheerful."

"I feel great!" he exclaimed, leaning back slightly. "Hey, can I play with your hair? It's like super long."

"Are you going to cut it?" Bankotsu asked, but Jakotsu could tell he was teasing and simply giggled.

"Like anyone gives me scissors! No, I just want to brush it out." He clambered behind Bankotsu, grabbing his braid in one hand. "You never let me see it down! I wanna know how long it is."

"Very," Bankotsu couldn't help but smile as Jakotsu played with the tail of his braid, batting his eyelids at his roommate all the while. "It's just easier to braid when it's wet, that's why I do it in the shower."

"Well, if you insist, we could go _there_ for this." Jakotsu wriggled his eyebrows, but Bankotsu didn't panic like he might have a few weeks ago. He was getting used to the way Jakotsu teased, and he knew the best way to avoid things going in that direction was to ignore the come-ons. "But I don't think I'll be paying much attention to your hair if we do that."

"There's a brush in my top drawer." Bankotsu sighed. "But if you take it down, you'll have to be quick or we'll miss lunch."

"Yay!" Jakotsu climbed across the bed and procured the brush before returning, setting it down, and removing the ponytail holder from the bottom of the braid with relish. "Did your mom use to brush it out like this?"

"When I was really little, until it started to get too long." He answered, feeling the shifting weight on the bed as Jakotsu unwound his hair. It had been ages since he'd let it out when it was dry. "Then she wanted to cut it, because it was a lot of trouble, and I started taking care of it."

"Always a rebel, huh?" Jakotsu giggled slightly and Bankotsu shrugged. "So did your girlfriends like it?"

"What?" he asked, trying not to get too relaxed, but he had forgotten how nice it was to have someone else care for his hair like this. "Oh, I didn't really…I mean, I had a couple girlfriends, nothing serious, though."

"You didn't let them play with your hair?" Jakotsu gasped. "You're mean."

"They never really asked." Bankotsu shrugged again, sighing slightly as he felt the last of the hair unwind, releasing the strain that the braid put on his scalp. It was the best way to wear it, but it had its own shortcomings.

"There's so much…" Jakotsu's voice trembled slightly and Bankotsu suddenly wondered if this had been a bad idea. He could feel the pull and give of the other teenager running his fingers through sections, separating bits at a time. "I've never seen so much hair on anyone before."

"I'm glad you like it," Bankotsu responded nervously, trying to keep calm as he felt Jakotsu's fingers on his scalp, rubbing away the tension there expertly before continuing down, exploring the length of his freed hair. "Can I ask you something?"

"I wish I could have hair like this." Jakotsu sighed wistfully as he picked up the brush. Bankotsu took that as a yes.

"What did you do?" he asked, and the brush froze in its progress. "I mean, to get in here. You don't have to tell me if you don't want." He silently cursed Kikyo, who probably thought this was all a great joke.

"No, no, it's okay." Jakotsu sounded slightly strained, as though trying to hold onto a cheerful mood that was draining away swiftly at the change of topic. He began brushing Bankotsu's hair again as if gathering himself once more. "It's fine, I figured you'd want to know the whole story eventually. Everyone here acts like they don't care about it, but you can't help wondering, right? Am I sitting next to a serial killer? Who did this person attack? Will they attack me? None of us is in here for getting bad grades, after all. It's a little more serious than that."

"I'll tell you what I did…if you like." Bankotsu felt the panic threatening at his own words, but he pushed it down, concentrating on the feeling of having Jakotsu brush his hair. He felt like he could trust this person, and he wanted Jakotsu to trust him, too. He wondered if that was the real reason he wanted to know. "If you swear not to tell anyone…if you swear we'll still be friends."

"I should say the same to you." Jakotsu let out a harsh chuckle, and it sounded so much like a sob, Bankotsu wanted to turn and be sure that everything was all right. "You'll want to change rooms when you know. You won't be able to sleep with me here, you'll think…" he trailed off, and Bankotsu felt him leaning up against his back.

_He wants to hug me,_ he realized. _But he thinks I'll freak out if he does._

The thought did scare Bankotsu a little bit, he had to admit, but he couldn't just ignore Jakotsu's need. He hooked a hand through his hair, pushing it all to one side so that he could turn more easily, and put his arms around the frail frame of his roommate. Jakotsu stiffened and looked up at him, hazel eyes moist.

"Is this okay?" he asked, his voice a whisper.

"It's fine." Bankotsu breathed, closing his eyes and trying to stay calm. It had been so long since he had held someone like this, and while Jakotsu's frame was delicate, this was not like hugging his sister. "You don't have to tell me if you're scared."

"I was kind of messed up." Jakotsu started, not moving from the shelter of his arms. His face was pressed against Bankotsu's collarbone, and he felt the vibrations of the words against his skin, in his flesh and deep in his bones, as if there was some strange power behind them. "You know how teenagers rebel? I took it a little too far." Bankotsu remained still, not sure what would happen if he moved or spoke, and afraid to find out.

"My parents knew I was doing drugs and having sex, but when I sent a kid to the hospital, they decided I needed therapy. Maybe because I had hurt someone, or maybe because they didn't like that I was gay, I was never sure. Probably both." Jakotsu paused, twirling a lock of Bankotsu's hair in his fingers. "I like…I do things kind of rough, and I guess some of the people couldn't take it, though they seemed to like it at the time. My therapist…he flirted with me. He was way too interested in what I'd done with other people, and I started to think…I mean, here's this guy, helping me clean up, but he doesn't think what I do is wrong or dirty, he's interested! And things just kind of…developed between us. I'd never been monogamous before, but he made me believe that what I wanted wasn't strange, that I was beautiful and special, and I just wanted…I guess I was in love, or thought I was. My parents had no idea, of course; they wouldn't have let me keep going to him if they he knew he was doing that sort of thing with me. They were glad that I was so happy, so well-adjusted. And then…I went to surprise him at his place, and the door was unlocked, and some…some _whore_—" his hands clenched tightly, and Bankotsu winced at the feeling of his hair being yanked sharply "—was there. They were…well, it turns out they were engaged. I had no idea he was even seeing someone else. I trusted him, gave him everything, and he…" Jakotsu cut himself off, pulling away from Bankotsu and idly playing with the long black strands running along the bedspread like a river. "I guess I overreacted. But I saw the knife sitting out on the counter, and I thought I would feel better…I was going to kill myself when it was over, but I couldn't do it, and pretty soon the cops came. They didn't really believe that I'd been sleeping with him. I didn't have any real proof, no pictures, no letters…they thought I was delusional, so they sent me here. _Now _they say I'm bipolar, and they try to medicate me, but I think _anyone_ could have done that, if it happened to them."

Bankotsu nodded slowly, remembering how Naraku had described the killings as gruesome, and wondering if they really had been. Would it make any difference? People thought Jakotsu was crazy because he became angry enough to lash out, but Bankotsu knew what that was like. He knew how good it could feel to pour out all that rage, to feel skin split beneath knuckles, to feel that euphoric power. Just because he used a knife, did that make him so much worse than any other angry teenager?

Jakotsu was looking at him, his expression wary and hopeful; like a puppy that expects to be kicked but can't resist trying to get a pat on the head. Bankotsu smiled, and Jakotsu sighed in relief, collapsing against the wall and curling up next to his stream of hair. "So what about you?" he asked, seeming much lighter now than he had a few minutes ago, burrowing his face in the black mass of strands.

"I killed my stepfather." He answered, not realizing he would be so blunt until the words were out.

"Was he a dick?" Jakotsu asked, not at all seeming worried about what Bankotsu had done.

"He was molesting my five-year-old sister, so yeah." He answered. "But after…no one believed me, and they didn't even _ask_ her. I hope she understood what I did for her…but I'm pretty sure she's so young, she'll forget about all of it. Including me."

"You're a good brother." Jakotsu assured him, sitting up and grabbing the brush, "She won't forget." He went back to Bankotsu's hair as if nothing out of the ordinary had taken place.

"Jakotsu?" Bankotsu spoke up as his hair was being carefully braided.

"Yeah?" the other young man paused in his task.

"Thanks for believing me." It came out in a harsh whisper, and at first he wasn't sure the other man could hear, until he felt the warmth of a pair of lips pressed to the back of his neck.

"You too."

--

To be continued…


	5. Chapter 5

Medication

Medication

Chapter 5

--

Listening to Jakotsu's story, Bankotsu began to wonder about what other patients had done, and if they would all seem so reasonable to him. He also had an odd desire to actually see Jakotsu's file, to see exactly how bad it had been. He decided that the best way to find out about all of this would be to break into Dr. Fuyu's office and gain access to all the files. Unfortunately, stealth wasn't his strong suit, so he knew he would need help. At first, he thought of asking Jakotsu for help, but he wasn't sure how his roommate would feel about Bankotsu's odd need to see his victims.

He knew Naraku had seen the file before, he had nearly said as much, but he still wasn't sure he wanted to trust such an odd young man. Besides that, he doubted Naraku would help him do anything unless he thought there was some benefit for him in it, and Bankotsu wasn't sure he wanted to do anything to benefit the creepy inmate. The only two options that he could see besides that were Renkotsu or Kagura, both of whom he felt had at least a reasonably good chance of getting him into the room. However, while he knew Renkotsu would agree to help more readily, he thought that Kagura would probably be less likely to try to use the information she would gain access to as blackmail material. He wanted to know about these people's pasts, but he would not want the information being used against them. Kagura knew at least sketchy details of almost everyone's past anyway, so it would not really change her behavior that he could see.

He decided to approach Kagura alone, as he suspected Kikyo would disapprove of this mission and try to stop her from helping him. Bankotsu wondered if what he was doing was wrong, since he was trying to keep it secret from so many people, but he justified his desire for secrecy with the very real possibility of being found out if many people knew, and thus getting in very real trouble. He had heard that depending on the severity of the rule-breaking, patients were often made to do manual labor or even be locked in solitary confinement for a period of time. He did not want to find out if this was true. After thinking all of this through, he waited until he could figure out Kikyo's therapy schedule, and one day when he knew she would be in a session, he went to the room Kagura and she shared and knocked. He wondered if Jakotsu would notice his absence at all now or during the heist, since for the past few weeks he had been completely preoccupied with a new orderly that he had assured Bankotsu would be "a piece of cake" to seduce. It was extremely irritating being ignored like that.

"Go away!" he scowled at Kagura's response to his knocking, rolled his eyes, and knocked again. This time, there was no answer, so he opened the door and promptly froze, his eyes and mouth open wide in surprise.

"I told you to go away!" Kagura shrieked, pulling a blanket over her form and shoving a pillow in the face of the naked man next to her, but Bankotsu had already recognized the orderly.

"You're…with Kouga?" he gaped, pointing at the pair. "Jakotsu said you were sleeping with an orderly, but I thought it was a _joke_."

"Don't tell anyone." Kagura hissed. "Kouga would lose his job."

"So would you," Bankotsu worked out the pieces of this puzzle aloud. "He trades those things for you, doesn't he? He's the one selling the pills and getting what the patients want." He wondered if she even cared what happened to him, or just enjoyed her power. "If anyone found out about that, he could go to jail." He knew what it meant to risk so much for someone, and he wondered if Kagura realized this person loved her, even though she was locked in an asylum, and probably even knew whatever it was she had done.

"What do you want?" she glared at him, and he realized that she thought he was threatening them. This would be much easier than he thought.

"Get me into Fuyu's office to look at the permanent records." He told her and she narrowed her eyes.

"And in return, you swear not to say anything?" she demanded.

"I swear." He hadn't intended to tell anyone anyway, but if this would help him get what he was after, he was definitely prepared to swear to it.

"Fine. Now get out." She pulled the pillow off of Kouga and threw it at Bankotsu just as he ducked out of the room. He felt rather pleased with himself, knowing that he had given away nothing and gotten exactly what he wanted. He wondered if Kagura would just have Kouga unlock the office to get him in, or if all the orderlies even had keys to everything, including the director's office. He decided it was probably best not to worry about it. That was Kagura's job, now.

He went back to his room, almost wanting to tell Jakotsu all about what had happened, before realizing that would be breaking his promise, in addition to the problematic issue of having to explain why he was breaking into Fuyu's office without his friend. It was odd now to think that six months ago, they hadn't even known each other. Now they were always together, and despite Jakotsu's…quirks, he brought a certain peace to Bankotsu. It was relaxing to let his roommate untwine his braid and brush out his hair, lavishing praise and attention on him while they spoke about everything, and sometimes about nothing at all. Bankotsu had become very accustomed to the affectionate nature of the other young man, and didn't panic at his teasing flirtation anymore. It was almost like things had always been like this between them, and it was easy sometimes to forget why he was here. He was reminded, however, whenever someone threw a fit or acted out and was put in solitary, or whenever he visited Dr. Taijiya, whom he was now grudgingly allowing to do her job.

He grabbed the doorknob and hesitated, feeling something odd there. He briefly wondered why there was a pink hair-band on his door before turning it and opening the door to a shriek of surprise.

It took him a moment to realize that noise had come out of _him_. He was trying very hard not to see Jakotsu on top of that orderly, trying hard not to stare at all that skin exposed before him, trying hard not to forget how to breathe as he focused everything on closing the door, not wanting to see the smirk in Jakotsu's expression as he looked up to meet Bankotsu's eyes. He slammed the door and slumped to the ground, breathless and struggling with a panic attack, his vision becoming foggy, sweat forming on his forehead, and all the while…all he could think of was how pleased Jakotsu must be. He loved catching Bankotsu off guard, and though he didn't like inciting a panic, he loved teasing his roommate, trying to trick him into thinking of him in a way Bankotsu would never think of another man. Had he staged this? Had he expected Bankotsu to see him? Was that what he'd wanted all along? What if his concern over the other times he'd seen Bankotsu slip into uncontrollable panic had been an act, to gain his trust and make it all the more shocking when he saw Jakotsu and another man…

_They were on my bed! Unless I've completely lost it…and there was something on that orderly…blood?_

He shuddered, trying desperately to regain control. He wasn't a kid, and he couldn't just sit in the hallway crying and freaking out over something like this. He had to take control! He knew he couldn't bring himself to go back in there, but he couldn't let it get to him, he couldn't let Jakotsu know how unsettled he had been.

_I'll act like nothing's out of the ordinary. Maybe he didn't see me, or even hear me scream. Later…I'll say something, but I have to be calm, or he wins._

Bankotsu wasn't sure why this seemed like some sort of contest, but it did. Grasping onto that feeling, he was able to bring his breathing under control, but when he was no longer panting and gasping, he found he could hear sounds coming from inside his room, sounds that made him picture things he should never picture. So he mustered his calm and stood, walking to the common area, intent on distracting himself with television until dinner time.

--

"There you are!" Jakotsu looked so neatly put together even in the formless outfits they were made to wear, Bankotsu almost doubted what he had seen with his own eyes less than an hour ago. Glancing around, he caught sight of the orderly, who kept shooting nervous glances their way. Curious, he then looked around until he spotted Kouga, who seemed completely unfazed by his own situation, sleeping with a patient, starting up a booming trade in drugs and contraband, and risking not only his job but his freedom. Interesting. Clearly Kouga was better at hiding things than this guy Jakotsu was sleeping with. That, and clearly that guy was an idiot.

"Hey," Bankotsu was in a bad mood, and he felt he could attribute it to the fact that clearly half of the people around him were getting lucky, and he was not. It didn't necessarily make him feel better that at least his _bed_ was getting action. In fact, quite the reverse.

"Is that bitch getting you down?" Jakotsu asked, his face all sympathy as he settled his food next to Bankotsu's own tray. "That bitch" was what Jakotsu always called Dr. Taijiya, and when Bankotsu had asked him not to call her that, he had received a look of such disgust, he had never brought it up again. "Need me to beat her up again?"

"You never really beat her up, did you?" Bankotsu pointed out irritably. "You just threw a hissy fit so you could get another doctor. Are you sleeping with _him_, too?"

"I suppose this is your way of bringing up what happened this afternoon." Jakotsu spoke calmly after taking a bite of his dinner. Bankotsu was mostly picking at his food, as he didn't feel hungry at all. "Might I say, you could have been a bit more congratulatory. I've been after Kei-chan for weeks and weeks."

"I noticed." Bankotsu made a crosshatch pattern in his potatoes with his fork and then proceeded to wipe the surface smooth and start it over again. "I also noticed you decided to make use of _my_ bed."

"I thought you'd be happy for me." Jakotsu pouted. "And anyway, I put a ponytail holder on the door, that was _supposed_ to be your warning. If you didn't want to see it, then why'd you come in anyway?"

"How was I supposed to know what that meant? It's not like we've discussed a system of signals for when you're fucking an orderly in my bed." Bankotsu hissed, his fork dropping with a satisfying clang on his tray.

"Jealous?" Jakotsu arched an eyebrow, his eyes twinkling with smug pleasure at Bankotsu's obvious discomfort and irritation. "There's no reason for you to go without, you know. All you have to do is ask." He reached over, his fingers trailing from Bankotsu's wrist up to his elbow in a way that was somehow much less innocent than it probably looked.

_Everyone probably thinks we're fucking, anyway. He acts like this with me all the time, so familiar, but he just does it to see me squirm. He doesn't care about anyone, he's trying to cut me like he cut that orderly, because that's how he gets off._

Taking a deep breath to calm himself, Bankotsu grabbed his tray, wriggling his elbow away as he stood to let Jakotsu know his touch was not welcome. That didn't stop him, though. He snatched Bankotsu's wrist and chuckled lightly. "Don't get so worked up, Ba-chan. I'm just joking around. Sit with me, I haven't seen you all day."

The sight of Jakotsu laughing as though this was all some minor inconvenience, something they could both find merely amusing, made Bankotsu see red. One minute he felt his jaw clench, and the next, he flew at his roommate, flinging the food off his tray and swinging the dish around to catch a slightly surprised Jakotsu across the side of the face. He flew back into a table with the force of the blow, shaking his head and blinking as though to clear away any hazy vision caused by the strike.

"Okay, then." He grinned like a cat who had just caught its prey and was just trying to decide how long to toy with it. Bankotsu was too enraged to be afraid as Jakotsu flew at him, and they both hit the ground punching, kicking, and struggling to be on top. Somehow, Jakotsu had procured a fork, and was slashing at him with it while smiling like a maniac, until a few orderlies managed to separate them, ending the struggle as soon as it had begun. But Bankotsu's entire concentration was still on Jakotsu, who was laughing in a breathless fashion, his eyes full of lust, his face bruising, his hair loose and wild, bleeding from a cut lip and a split eyebrow. He looked feral, and dangerous, and glorious, and somehow Bankotsu didn't feel angry anymore, he felt ecstatic, and he began to laugh as well. Both boys were still chuckling when the orderlies escorted them to Dr. Fuyu's office.

Once they were outside the door waiting for Dr. Fuyu to call them in after one of the orderlies finished explaining the situation, Bankotsu began to sober. Inuyasha was the orderly watching them while the other spoke with Fuyu, and Jakotsu was clearly trying to catch his eye. It seemed he still had a serious thing for the surly young man despite his rendezvous with Kei. Only minutes ago, Bankotsu had been sure Jakotsu could see only him, but now he realized his roommate had probably only been so excited because Inuyasha had bodily pulled him off of Bankotsu, probably the closest thing to an embrace he had ever received from the object of his desire. No wonder he'd been so pleased, so…

"Dr. Fuyu will see you now." The other orderly came back out of the office and Inuyasha ushered them both in.

"Thank you Inuyasha, Nobu." The old woman smiled at the orderlies. "You may leave us."

"But they could—" Inuyasha protested immediately, but stopped when she held a hand up to silence him.

"I'm sure I'm quite safe. Thank you, gentlemen." She looked rather stern this time, and they both left at once, though Inuyasha was grumbling under his breath the whole time. She turned her attention to the two inmates and gestured for them to sit down. "I hear there's been a bit of trouble, boys. Nobu told me you were fighting in the dining hall. Would you like to tell me about that?"

"Eh," Jakotsu shrugged, slumping into the chair and examining his nails just as if he wasn't still bleeding from various wounds. "Not really. Your lackeys ruined my fun."

"Jakotsu, we've been through this before," she sighed heavily, "And yet…it's been months since you've had to pay me a visit. I was beginning to believe that things were getting better for you, that you two were helping each other, perhaps. And Bankotsu, this is your first time causing such a disruption. I am surprised at both of you, and disappointed."

"What ever happened to boys will be boys?" Jakotsu shrugged as though he was in a position to judge the seriousness of this transgression. "You know how it is, all that pent up testosterone, we just have to roll around in combat once in a while. That, or have a nice hard—"

"Okay, thank you, Jakotsu." Fuyu shook her head and rubbed her brow wearily. "What about you, Bankotsu? Is there anything you'd like to tell me before I decide on a course of corrective action here?"

"I didn't…" he trailed off, looking down to see that his hands were shaking, and he realized that he was terrified that he was going to be sent to solitary, locked up by himself for a week or more. Despite any problems he was having with Jakotsu, he didn't want to have to deal with his panic attacks on his own, and he was almost positive they would be more than forthcoming once he was locked in a small, dark room by himself. "I didn't mean it…" he knew it sounded weak and foolish, but he was having a hard time keeping control of himself. He could hear an odd buzzing, and he knew that he was going to probably have an attack right here in this office.

"You're going to punish him for this?" Jakotsu laughed, and the sound grounded Bankotsu slightly. Knowing that she wasn't staring at him expectantly anymore, that helped a bit as well. "He was defending himself. I'm the one that started it. You know I like a little blood every now and then. You can't blame him for not just laying still and taking it."

"You started it?" Fuyu raised her eyebrow, and Bankotsu turned slowly, trying not to look too surprised. "Nobu said that Bankotsu threw the first punch."

"Well he wasn't exactly right there, so I wouldn't really blame him for _thinking_ it looked that way." Jakotsu rolled his eyes and giggled. "You really think _he_ would start a fight with anyone? Honestly, Bankotsu here wouldn't hurt a fly. It's almost enough to make me think of reforming."

"Bankotsu?" Fuyu turned, looking very suspicious. "Is this true? Did Jakotsu start the fight?" he looked up at her, and then glanced over at Jakotsu, who gave the slightest hint of a true smile, not the mocking grin he usually showed Dr. Fuyu. He nodded, feeling relieved and ashamed all at once. "Okay, then. Bankotsu, you're going to be washing dishes for the next week, so that you might learn how to more productively channel your energies. Jakotsu, one week in solitary. Let's hope you use it to think over your actions."

"As long as you get Inuyasha to guard my door." Jakotsu winked saucily and stood, stretching. "Seeya on the other side, Ba-chan!" he waved, and Bankotsu realized they expected him to leave. Fuyu was on the phone already, calling an orderly to come take Jakotsu to solitary, and Bankotsu felt like his heart was made of lead. Why would Jakotsu do this for him? He stood, shakily, and realized he was just as likely to panic in an empty bedroom as he was in solitary, and he had become so used to Jakotsu's voice calming him, the cool touch of his hand on his forehead to bring him back to reality, and now he would have no choice but to go without those things. He didn't know what to do or say, but he felt sure he owed Jakotsu something, and he felt infinitely foolish for all the doubts and suspicions that had crept through him before. Other people feared this person, other people said he was unstable, crazy, dangerous. But other people had never known Jakotsu the way he did.

"I'm sorry." He whispered as he passed his roommate, and he felt Jakotsu lean over, his lips grazing Bankotsu's cheek.

"I'm not." Jakotsu breathed. "It'll be okay. Just keep breathing." Their knuckles brushed, and then Bankotsu left, and found himself wondering when it was that Jakotsu had become so important to him that he was questioning whether he could live seven days without seeing him.

--

To be Continued…


	6. Chapter 6

Medication

Medication

Chapter 6

--

"Hello there," Bankotsu jumped slightly at the greeting, his spoon scraping against the side of his cereal bowl as he did so. "Seems your table is a bit short today. Mind if I join you?" Naraku smiled in a way that was clearly meant to be disarming, but Bankotsu still found that he had a hard time trusting this person. Something about him just seemed off. He still didn't know the details of what Naraku had done, but he was not sure he wanted to know, from the way the other inmates talked about him. Jakotsu said that he could tell him, but that he wasn't sure whether he believed Naraku had really done _that_, since he wasn't sure even Naraku was that evil. Bankotsu decided to steer away from the story, since the only other person that Jakotsu judged as having done something really wrong was himself.

"Of course." Renkotsu answered before Bankotsu had a chance, gesturing to the chair that Jakotsu usually sat in, and Naraku nodded to him graciously before sitting. Ginkotsu made an odd noise and went back to trying to construct some sort of tower out of silverware. Probably something he would attempt to attach to his arm, which he had explained to Bankotsu was a bionic arm given to him by the government in a secret research experiment. Bankotsu had thought he was joking at first, but now had come to take an odd comfort in Ginkotsu's clearly delusional behavior. It was almost sweet the way Renkotsu would procure all types of metal contraband for him to craft into "attachments."

"I'm done." Suikotsu, who had barely eaten half of his breakfast, stood up just as Naraku sat down, clearly not happy to be sitting with the odd young man. Bankotsu didn't blame him, really.

"So, Bankotsu," Naraku of course would want to talk to him, when he was exhausted from a night of trying not to panic, and trying to pretend he wasn't alone. He had managed about one hour of sleep, all told. "Now that you've seen the darker side of Jakotsu, I am sure you are interested in my earlier offer." Bankotsu frowned, trying to think of what this person had ever offered him, and his mind groggily settled on one of his first days here, when Naraku had offered to be his roommate. Bankotsu shuddered slightly. The thought of never again sharing a room with Jakotsu was enough to make his heart skip a beat.

"No thanks." He decided it was probably better to be polite, since he wasn't really sure he wanted to be on the receiving end of Naraku's ire.

"But surely by now you know what he intends to do with you." Naraku scoffed slightly, as though the thought that Bankotsu wasn't terrified of his roommate was frankly amusing. "You must have seen…the way he treats lovers. Disgusting, isn't it?"

Bankotsu got the idea that Naraku probably actually found very few things disgusting, but was not sure he wanted to say so aloud. "Jakotsu and I are friends. What he does with his love life doesn't really concern me."

"You must be joking," Naraku laughed then, and everyone looked at him askance, as though a bit perturbed by the thought of him laughing like that. "You know that everyone already believes you are sleeping together, correct? He manages the perception so that when the reality is presented, there's really no escape. You yourself are beginning to believe it. I am sure you were quite lonely last night. Did you sleep at all?"

"I have to go." He invented, lifting his tray and leaving the table. He knew it was nearly half an hour before his session, but he had no desire to stay and be poisoned against Jakotsu. He didn't want to hear spoken aloud the doubts he had already felt coursing through him, and the idea of Dr. Taijiya, so calm and reliable and sensible seemed suddenly very appealing. He was sure that he was her first patient, since the only person he knew that went to therapy earlier than him was Jakotsu, so he would just see if she didn't mind spending some extra time today. He had to admit, he had been quite lonely the night before, and the ache for someone he felt he could trust…

He knocked, and heard some shuffling inside the office. He grinned, imagining Dr. Taijiya's look of surprise when she saw him here so early, but then frowned slightly as he heard muffled conversation and the sound of the door being unlocked. What was going on? He had never seen her door locked, except for when she wasn't here. What could she be hiding?

"Bankotsu!" when she opened the door, his mouth went dry. It was hard to say what it was about her that was so radiant at that moment, but he had never seen her look more beautiful. "What a surprise! Is anything wrong?"

"I just…wanted to see you." His voice was slightly husky, and he wondered what she would do if he tried to kiss her. Something about her was so… "Who's that?" his voice was something of a squawk when he saw there was someone else in her office, trying to look innocent as he sat on the couch in a way that Bankotsu found to be far too casual. He knew he had seen this man around the asylum. Wasn't he Jakotsu's therapist? "Dr…Houshi?"

"We were just…meeting." She beamed, her cheeks reddening as though she was a much younger woman. Bankotsu was not an idiot. He could see the way she was looking at this interloper, and the way he was acting…so satisfied and so clearly feeling as though he belonged here in her office. He noticed then that his hair was much messier than it had been any other time he'd seen the man, and Dr. Taijiya's hair wasn't even pulled back in a ponytail. It was spilling haphazardly across her shoulders, her pupils were wide and her lips were red, and he knew, knew they were lovers. He felt a surge of irrational jealousy, and before he could do anything stupid, he whirled on his heel and ran away, ignoring the sound of her voice calling after him.

There had never been anything that she had done to make the relationship between anything more than doctor and patient, but he knew he had feelings for her, maybe not exactly love, but something beyond what a patient should feel for his doctor. He knew that he had no claim on her, and that she wouldn't understand why he was upset when she had never done anything to lead him on, but none of that rational knowledge was making him feel less like punching that arrogant Dr. Houshi right in his pretty-boy face.

_Jakotsu would be pissed, too. He hates her, and she's sleeping with his doctor, and I know he wants to sleep with Houshi, too. He's said as much before. There's hardly any guy in this place he doesn't want to sleep with._

Bankotsu found himself outside his room and he stormed inside, slamming the door with a satisfying cracking noise before throwing himself on the bed, writhing and punching the mattress, cursing into the pillow as he battled an anger that he could not really define or justify.

_No one sees me that way, not the way she sees Houshi. No one will ever see me that way, and even when I think Jakotsu cares about me, he does something selfish, like with Kei, and all he cares about is himself, I know._

_Why do I care so much?_

He felt the anger burning itself out, like a swiftly passing storm, and felt a wave of depression sweep over him in its wake, cooling the embers of rage and filling his eyes with tears until they spilled over, and he let them come. He felt a sob wrack his body, and he buried his face in the pillow, letting it soak up all his grief as he breathed in deeply and realized something was not the way it should be.

_This is Jakotsu's bed. It smells like him._

Somehow this realization made him laugh through his tears, and he moved about, pulling the covers over himself and burrowing into the bedding that was covered in that scent. He closed his eyes, feeling the wave of tears ebb, feeling almost like his confusion didn't matter, wishing that he would feel Jakotsu's hand on his back or his head, the way he would touch him gently when he knew Bankotsu was having a hard time sleeping or keeping calm.

And then he felt a hand on his head, burying itself in his hair, and he let out a soft sound of pleasure. Common sense and logic didn't matter. There was only one person who would comfort him like this. He could probably feel Bankotsu's need from where he had been and had broken out, just to share stolen moments together before he got in even more trouble.

"Thank you." He breathed, turning to look at the hazel eyes he had come to know so well, and freezing in despair and terror as he saw Naraku smiling down at him. "W—what…are you…" he could feel panic setting in, his breathing was already coming faster and shallower, and his limbs were paralyzed with fear. This was the monster. It was lowering its head, it was going to eat him!

_Close your eyes, just close your eyes and make it go away!_

He closed his eyes so tightly white spots danced in the darkness, and he struggled to begin counting, but before he could even start, he felt lips press against his own, felt his shoulders being pinned to the bed, heard the noise that Naraku made as he moved his body to cover Bankotsu's, and didn't realize he was screaming until Kouga burst into the room, and throwing all the rules about proper treatment of patients out the window, pulled Naraku off him by his hair and tossed him against the wall before flying at the shocked inmate and punching him squarely in the face so hard there was a spectacular splash of blood from his nose before Naraku's eyes rolled upward and he fell over, clearly no longer a threat to anyone for the moment.

"Are you okay?" Kouga rushed over to Bankotsu's bedside, his face full of genuine concern that would have surprised, and possibly touched Bankotsu if he had been in any sort of state to appreciate the subtle workings of emotions. As it was, he was clutching the sheets, his eyes still screwed shut, muttering numbers under his breath in a shaky voice, his breathing sounding as though there was absolutely no oxygen in the room. "Shit, can you breathe? Calm down!" there was a beep as he pulled out his radio and pressed the button to contact the other orderlies and staff. "Emergency in room 113, I repeat, emergency in 113. Requesting a nurse, patient is not breathing properly. Repeat, emergency, medical attention required immediately!" he managed to sound less panicked than he felt as he watched the young man's eyes flicker open and then widen enormously, as though he thought he would be able to draw in more air if he could use them to breathe as well. "Are you choking? Do you have asthma? Do you need an inhaler?" he was looking around him for something of the sort as another orderly and two nurses reached the room at a run, immediately rushing to care for the struggling patient on the bed. "He was like that when I got here. Oh, and he might have a concussion." He indicated Naraku, slumped against the wall on the other side of the room, and the other orderly, Inuyasha, turned to investigate, leaving the nurses to handle Bankotsu.

"What happened?" Inuyasha asked, and Kouga shrugged.

"I heard screaming, I ran to check on it, and Creepy-face over here has that one pinned to the bed, and it's kinda clear he isn't trying to read him a bedtime story, if you know what I mean." Kouga explained. "So I took care of it."

"I think you broke his nose." Inuyasha sounded vaguely impressed. "Is this cause he was attacking another patient, or are you still pissed he grabbed your ass that one time."

"Please, like I haven't been groped by Jakotsu before." Kouga snorted, both of them trying to see if the nurses were making any headway with Bankotsu. They seemed to have given him some sort of tranquilizer, because he was no longer struggling, and his breathing was slowing down now as his eyes slid closed. "You have to be ready to deal with weird shit when you wanna work at a place like this. But I'm not going to just let somebody go around raping people right under my nose."

"He'll be fine, he just needs to sleep a bit." One of the nurses told Inuyasha and Kouga as the other tended to Naraku. "He was having a severe panic attack."

"It looked like he was having like a seizure, or an asthma attack. Scared the crap out of me." Kouga sighed, glad that the excitement was over for the moment. More staff had arrived, and they were carrying Naraku out of the room, probably to the infirmary. "I'll go report to Fuyu, then, if everything's under control here. Probably be pissed I punched that stinker, but honestly, I'm glad I did."

"Watch it, Fuyu doesn't like it when you get all hotheaded." Inuyasha told him, and Kouga had to smile. If anyone knew that, it was him. But he still didn't care. Naraku had tried to attack Kagura once, as well. He still had the scar where she had used a hairpin to "deter" him. Kouga hated that he hadn't been there to protect her when it had happened, and he'd had to hear about it later when Naraku was in the infirmary and then immediately sent to solitary for quite a stretch. Of course, all the staff members knew what had happened, so even though Kagura didn't want him to worry, he'd found out right away. When he saw Naraku on top of Bankotsu like that, he had lost control at first. It had confused him, he had thought that he had somehow opened the door to the past, and this was Kagura under him, but it had been clear she wasn't the victim this time as soon as he'd pulled Naraku away. He still felt that satisfying crunch as he punched Naraku, and he didn't care if he was punished for it. He had been wanting to let loose on Naraku ever since he'd gone after Kagura, and this had been his chance.

When he reached her office, he knocked and was immediately admitted. He told his story calmly, used to reporting incidents to Dr. Fuyu at this point, but his right hand was still clenched in a fist.

"You punched him?" The aged doctor sighed and shuffled some papers as though they would tell her what to do about this. "And he's being treated as well?"

"Yeah." Kouga didn't bother explaining himself any further. He felt perfectly justified in what he had done. There was a long silence, and finally she set aside her papers and sighed again, shaking her head wearily.

"I can't just let that slide, you know." She told him, regret clear in her tone. "You know that you shouldn't use that level of force with the patients. Honestly, I could turn a blind eye about the throwing, because in that sort of situation…well, it was clear that someone was going to be hurt, and it would be better if it was not Bankotsu, who was clearly the victim here. But once you had separated them…to punch Naraku…it's understandable, I can admit that I can see where you would have gotten such a desire, but it is important to me that all of my staff, including the orderlies, act with a higher level of calm. We cannot let ourselves be swept away by righteousness or passion."

"Dr. Fuyu," he paused, realizing suddenly that there was a real possibility of him losing his job, and his only method of staying close to Kagura. She needed him, he knew that, nearly as much as he needed her, and he couldn't let his pride ruin all of that. "I'm very sorry. It won't happen again."

"Apology accepted." She smiled at him, and he couldn't help feeling like she was a surprisingly sweet old woman, considering her occupation. "Two weeks probation. No more incidents like this in that time, and we'll consider it water under the bridge. But you must apologize to Naraku as well."

Kouga wondered if that was a worse punishment than being fired, but finally nodded. "Thank you, Dr. Fuyu."

"You may leave." She dismissed him, and he made a beeline for Kagura's room. He needed to see her, to remind him why he went through these things.

It was all for her sake.

--

To be continued….


	7. Chapter 7

Medication

Medication

Chapter 7

--

"Hey," Bankotsu's eyes fluttered at the sound of the voice speaking softly to him, and he sighed with relief when he saw Jakotsu sitting on the edge of his bed, hovering over him with one arm propped on the other side of Bankotsu, supporting his weight.

"It's you," he managed, feeling extremely sluggish and content.

"It's me." Jakotsu smiled down at him, moving his free hand to stroke Bankotsu's bangs away from his face. "Don't worry anymore. Nothing can get you while I'm here." Bankotsu felt his breath hitch, and he let out a weak sob. "No, Ba-chan, none of that." Jakotsu moved so he was lying down, his arms going around Bankotsu, who found it hard to stop crying. "Why are you sad?"

"I don't know." He admitted, hiccupping as the tears continued to flow. "I don't know how I feel anymore."

"Are you afraid?" it was a whisper, and Bankotsu didn't know what to make of the intensity in the hazel eyes.

"No," he breathed, moving his face closer to prove it, their noses touching and their breath mingling. Aren't you afraid I'll hurt you?" Jakotsu asked, and Bankotsu shook his head. "Or take away something you don't want to give me?"

"You can have anything if you just stay here." Bankotsu answered immediately. "I need you here." Jakotsu's face moved so slowly, it made it abundantly clear what he was going to do before it happened, but even with Jakotsu's mouth covering his, he didn't feel afraid. This was what he'd been aching for, he suddenly knew. He had been so concerned about proving he didn't like men, he had made himself blind, and worked himself into a frenzy of emotional strain trying to deny this, and now it was like the floodgates had been opened. He couldn't believe how intensely he wanted this, wanted Jakotsu.

He wanted it to last, but he could feel a powerful fatigue sweeping over him, and he felt the kiss end just as he fell asleep.

--

"He wasn't as bad last time, but we'll have to see, when he wakes up." A woman's voice, one that Bankotsu didn't recognize, was speaking as he struggled to wake up. It was as thought he had lead weights pulling his eyelids closed and ropes tying his body down. Why was he so tired? And who was in his room? "The doctor was talking about giving him another room. We don't know if he can deal with a roommate right now. The stress could be enough to push him over the edge again."

"Well, if you consider he's living with Jakotsu." Another woman replied, and Bankotsu was surprised to realize it was Dr. Taijiya. He stopped struggling with his uncooperative body, deciding that he would hear what they would say while they thought he couldn't hear. "He isn't exactly the most supportive friend in a situation like this."

"You think he'd make it worse?" the other woman asked, and Bankotsu felt a hand on his brow. "Because of what he did?"

"It's hard to be objective. And this boy…I can't help but want him to get better." Dr. Taijiya sounded very dejected. "The case isn't really that similar, but it does remind me of Kohaku's. So does this boy. He's so…he tries to be tough, but he is a sweet person. A good person."

"He killed a grown man." The other woman sounded wary. "With no warning or provocation."

"Maybe." Dr. Taijiya sighed, and the hand left his brow then. "Maybe if he could see that…" Bankotsu drifted back out of consciousness with her voice ringing in his ears.

--

The next time he woke, Bankotsu felt much less like he was tied down, but it still seemed like his head was stuffed with cotton, and his vision was a bit bleary at first. "Jakotsu?" he managed, his tongue feeling thick and clumsy in his mouth.

"Hello," he turned to see a nurse smiling at him a bit warily, her hand clenched around a radio, as though she felt she would need to use it to defend herself any moment. "How are you feeling, Bankotsu?"

"Where's Jakotsu?" he asked. "Where am I?" he could see this wasn't his room. There was only the one bed. What was going on? He strained to remember.

"Bankotsu's awake." The nurse spoke in a much more business-like tone when she put her radio to use. "Behavior normal so far. He's asking for Jakotsu. Please advise and assist." She lowered it and smiled as if he hadn't heard any of that. "This is your new room. You're so lucky to have a single! There's only a few of them, you know."

"What about Jakotsu?" he asked. "Did I do something? Did he? Is he okay? Why isn't he here?"

"Patient becoming agitated, assist please." The nurse communicated into the radio before once more shifting to her bedside manner. "He's fine, he got out of solitary this morning. You can see him when you're ready—"

"I'm ready _now!_" he attempted to leap out of the bed and tripped on the bedding, landing on his face. "I don't _want_ a single! I want Jakotsu!"

"Kaoru, is everything okay?" Dr. Taijiya burst into the room looking out of breath. "Bankotsu!" she rushed to the boy on the floor and gathered him up in her arms, hugging him tightly. "I was so worried. Are you alright?"

"Let…me—" he struggled away from her "—go! Don't pretend to care about me! You made me think…but you're sleeping with that Houshi, aren't you? And I…I was…" images were coming to him much more clearly now. Naraku had attacked him, but somehow it had ended…Kouga had saved him? And Jakotsu…he had realized… "I don't _want_ you!" he told her with venom. "And I don't want to be alone! I want to be with Jakotsu!" he felt tears pricking his eyelids at the force of the admission, the feeling of all his emotions being unwound and bared, but Dr. Taijiya misunderstood.

"We thought after you had been attacked, you'd feel safer in a single." She told him, and though he could see the pain in her expression, he didn't think he could trust her. He glanced at her, and then watched the nurse step out to call more staff on the radio.

Then he ran.

Dr. Taijiya did not expect it, so he burst past her with ease, nearly knocking the nurse over and feeling exhilaration fill him as he rand down the hallway barefoot, figuring out where he was and heading for his objective at top speed. He could hear yelling and the sounds of people chasing him, but he couldn't stop, he couldn't be caught, not until he reached the door. He burst into the room, still feeling as though he must hurry. They would catch him soon; he had to do something…

"Bankotsu!" Jakotsu leapt up from his bed at the sudden entrance. "Ba-chan! They moved all your stuff and they wouldn't tell me—"

Bankotsu wasted no time. He rushed at his former roommate and embraced him, kissing him so fiercely he thought he tasted blood. "Let's run away." He spoke into Jakotsu's neck, but the taller man pulled back slightly.

"Ba-chan?" Jakotsu's face was flushed, his expression surprised. "Are you…okay?"

"They're trying to keep us apart." Bankotsu clutched at him. "Let's escape."

"You…kissed me." Jakotsu seemed to be very surprised by this. Just then, the door was flung open, and a pair of orderlies pulled them apart as though they'd been fighting. Bankotsu growled in frustration, and they both struggled against their captors.

"Let them go!" Dr. Taijiya burst in. "It's fine, he didn't hurt anyone, he just wanted to see his friend." At her command, Jakotsu and Bankotsu were released, but Bankotsu restrained himself from throwing himself at Jakotsu again in front of all these people. "Are you okay?" she asked Bankotsu, and he narrowed his eyes at her warily, edging toward Jakotsu.

"I don't want a single." He hissed, and she nodded.

"I'll talk to Dr. Fuyu. I'm sure we can have you room together again, she was just concerned, we all were…" she drifted off and shook her head, ushering the orderlies toward the door. "You can stay here with him for now while I speak to her, and I can let you know. Everyone was worried about you, Bankotsu. We're happy you feel better." She paused, as though she meant to say something else, but simply gave him a sad smile and left the room, closing the door behind her.

"What's going on?" Jakotsu sounded less sure of himself than he ever had in all the time that Bankotsu had known him.

"I needed…" he shook his head in frustration and turned away, sitting down heavily on his own bed. Now, with the adrenaline leaving him, it was hard to be so impulsive, and he could feel his nerves getting the better of him.

"Are you okay?" Jakotsu asked, taking a step toward the bed before stopping himself short, flexing his fingers nervously, stretching them out and making fists and then repeating the process. Bankotsu was not sure he had ever seen Jakotsu nervous before. "People are saying…something bad happened."

"That Naraku attacked me?" Bankotsu asked, raising an eyebrow, feeling unaccountably annoyed with this situation. "Did it turn you on? Were you hoping for details?"

"Wh—what?" Jakotsu sounded as though he'd been punched, and all the air had been knocked out of him. "What…are you saying?"

"Aren't you into that?" Bankotsu tilted his head to one side. "Sorry to say, things didn't get that far. I don't even have any bruises. Kouga came before it could get really juicy. All that happened was him kissing me, climbing on top of me, but nothing really exciting happened. Sorry to disappoint you."

"I would never…not like that." Jakotsu looked horrified, and he took a step back away from Bankotsu. "Do you really think I would…like hearing that Naraku tried to…tried to do that with you?"

"What, jealous he struck before you?" Bankotsu asked, laying down and stretching out, grabbing the bars at the head of the bed. "Here I am. Do what you want."

"You must…still have meds in your system." Jakotsu's voice was shaking, but it was hard to tell whether he was angry or excited. "I mean…you kissed me! Why would you ever…you don't mean it. Just…get some sleep, Ba-chan. I never would have…I'll never…what I do is different, don't you see that?"

"How?" Bankotsu blinked at him as though he honestly wanted to know, and Jakotsu lunged at him, grabbing his shoulders so tightly he was sure it would leave bruises. Bankotsu sighed with pleasure, and he realized he had wanted to make Jakotsu lose control the way he had lost control earlier. He didn't want to be the weak one. People might think that Jakotsu was in control, but Bankotsu had made this happen, and even if he was tied down, he would not be afraid. Not of Jakotsu. He could never be afraid of Jakotsu.

"Idiot!" Jakotsu hissed, climbing on the bed and kissing him deeply, passionately, possessively. "Don't you see the difference? Does my kiss really feel the same as his?"

"Jakotsu…" Bankotsu had expected something else. He had expected Jakotsu to do to him what he'd done to that intern, and he'd been ready, he felt. But instead, Jakotsu was kissing his face, and his throat, and then burying his face in Bankotsu's neck and letting out a powerful sob. "Why?"

"Idiot," he repeated. "I'm not jealous unless you liked it. I want to flay that dirty bastard for touching you without permission! Don't offer yourself up like you don't matter, like I can do what I like. Don't you see?"

"But…you've done it before." Bankotsu was confused. Why didn't Jakotsu want him? Or did he? It was hard to say when he kept kissing him and clutching at him. "That intern—"

"Meant nothing!" Jakotsu hissed. "I'm not a good person, Ba-chan. You treat me better than you should, you trust me too much. I use people, I hurt them. But I don't want…I don't want to see you hurt. I can't let myself…"

"I wouldn't mind." Bankotsu told him, and Jakotsu sobbed again, a deep tremor that shook his slender frame. "I told you that you could have whatever you wanted if you stayed. Just stay, and take what you want."

"I can't…" Jakotsu was trembling, and suddenly Bankotsu could feel that he _was _excited, his hardened length digging into his hip. "I just…not you. I can't do it to you. You're too good."

"Don't you want me?" Bankotsu asked, putting his hand on the heat between them, and Jakotsu let out a strangled noise, his fingers biting into Bankotsu's arms once more.

"I'll stay, okay?" Jakotsu told him, his voice husky and shaky all at once. "Just…you don't have to give me anything. I just want to be here, just let me be here and I'll stay, I promise, and you don't have to give me anything." He babbled, and Bankotsu sighed, not sure what it was that was stopping Jakotsu from doing whatever he wanted, but content to have the promise that he wasn't going away. He closed his eyes, and despite having been under for so long, found that he was tired once more and fell asleep nearly immediately, feeling Jakotsu still stroking his hair and kissing his face.

--

To be continued…


	8. Chapter 8

Medication

Chapter 8

----------

Bankotsu woke up alone, and he felt a brief moment of disorientation and panic, thinking Jakotsu had disappeared again, but he could hear the familiar voice nearby, holding a hushed argument with someone. He blinked wearily, seeing Jakotsu's form silhouetted in the light coming from the hallway, and he recognized the person Jakotsu was arguing with as an orderly. It took a few moments for him to realize it was Kei, that one Jakotsu had slept with right before their fight, but Bankotsu was too groggy to feel very concerned about that.

"I don't _care_ what that old hag wants!" Jakotsu hissed, "He's fucking exhausted, and you had him pumped so full of sedatives, how can you be surprised? If she wants to talk to him, she can wait for morning."

"She wants this taken care of now." Kei told him in a low tone. "I don't think it's a good idea to leave something like this for morning. Someone in his condition shouldn't be left alone with you."

"Don't think you know me so well, little boy." Jakotsu's frame shuddered with barely restrained anger. "He's safer with me than he would be with you, or with anyone else here."

"_No one's_ safe with you." Kei returned, "Least of all him."

"You think you're so superior." Jakotsu's tone carried a hint of menace. "You were _begging _for it, and the only reason you're so pissy now is that I'm not interested in a repeat performance. You're a damn lousy lay, so get over it."

"Like I would _ever_ agree to that again. If I wanted someone to treat me like shit and slice me up, maybe _then_ I'd give you a call." Kei retorted. "You are _seriously_ fucked up."

"You say that now," Jakotsu shoved him back, and Bankotsu stirred, his limbs protesting, as he began to think this disagreement could very well come to blows. "You didn't seem upset the other day."

"Don't worry, I won't come between you and your new victim." Kei straightened his shirt, glaring at Jakotsu. "Although I doubt Fuyu will leave you to it."

"Fuck. Off." Jakotsu slammed the door, gritting his teeth. "Asshole," he muttered, turning away before he saw Bankotsu propped up on his elbows, blinking groggily at him.

"Hey," Bankotsu managed. "I'm…real sleepy."

"I know," Jakotsu's face, which had been hard and angular a moment before, melted into gentle curves as he smiled sheepishly. "Sorry to wake you."

"S'okay." Bankotsu collapsed back into his bed, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles and yawning. Jakotsu's smile went a bit wobbly, and he bit his lip, as though unsure of what to do. "C'mere." Bankotsu held out his arms like a child begging to be held. Jakotsu needed no further prompting, clambering into the bed and making an odd purring noise as Bankotsu pulled him under the covers completely, enveloping him in warmth, and planting a lazy, wet kiss on his lips.

"You shouldn't…" Jakotsu's voice shook slightly as he licked the lips, savoring the taste of Bankotsu lingering there. "I don't have a lot of self-control, you know."

"I told you," Bankotsu moved his mouth down, licking Jakotsu's neck and evoking a whimper from the other man, "I don't care what you want from me, you can have anything."

"You don't know what you're asking," Jakotsu's voice was still shaking, and when Bankotsu grazed his teeth over the spot on his neck he'd been tasting, he gave an involuntary moan, his fingers clenching so tight on Bankotsu's arms that he was sure if there was more light there would be little pink half-moons showing where he clutched to the shorter man as if his life depended on it. "Please…you're still drugged up, and you can't even imagine…I can't bear to have you hate me, to hide from me."

"I'm safe with you, I know." Bankotsu mumbled, nuzzling Jakotsu's neck and reaching out to twist his fingers into the silky strands tumbling down like an ink spill against the pale column of Jakotsu's neck, and then over the drab blue-grey of the standard issue clothes they were all given. "Like you said…safer here than with…anyone." He yawned again, eyes fluttering closed and then slowly opening again, his eyelashes fluttering against Jakotsu's throat, making the other man bite his own lip desperately as he restrained himself, trying not to focus on the urges and images coming to him in a flood, trying to focus on those words, and trying to make himself believe them as strongly as Bankotsu did.

"That's…that's right," he finally managed, his entire body trembling like a leaf. "I won't let anyone hurt you. Not even me."

"I don't ever wanna fight you again." Bankotsu breathed, and Jakotsu realized with some level of relief that the other man was lapsing back into sleep. Good. He was tempting enough unconscious, but all this licking and touching was driving Jakotsu to limits of control he didn't even realize he possessed. "I _was_ jealous…promise you won't…won't ever again."

"I won't," Jakotsu wasn't even really sure what he was promising, but he couldn't refuse Bankotsu, and he had a shrewd idea that this was something to do with Kei. "I promise."

"Thanks for visiting me…before." Bankotsu managed, and Jakotsu frowned as he puzzled over those words. Visiting him? What was that supposed to mean? They had lived together this whole time, and when he was in that single…well, first he'd been in solitary, and then they had refused to tell him where Bankotsu was. He wrote the words off as something that Bankotsu had dreamed, or confusion caused by the drugs in his system, and by the time he had finished puzzling over this, he realized from the shallow, steady breaths against his neck that the other man had fallen asleep again.

He was content to hold Bankotsu, though he had a painful erection from the proximity and the way the shorter man had been licking and biting at his neck. _How is it that he trusts me at all?_ Jakotsu wondered, trailing the fingers of one hand over his braid. He wanted to let the hair down, but he wasn't sure how well he'd be able to resist Bankotsu's invitations with that amazing hair let loose, shining like a dark river and draping down like a curtain while they…

_No. Stop picturing it. Stop thinking about it. He trusts me. I can't just…I can't._

_What's wrong with me?_

And then, with bemused wonder, Jakotsu realized that for the first time in what felt like forever, he genuinely wanted to be better, to be normal. He wanted to feel he had his emotions and his urges under control, even if that meant taking those damn pills, even if that meant actually listening to his therapist instead of trying to lure him into an ill-advised tryst.

_I couldn't…if I slept with Houshi and Ba-chan found out…_

_And maybe…maybe if I get better, I won't want to do those things…maybe I could sleep with him like normal people do, without wanting to cut him…to taste his blood, to feel it against my fingers and hot on my tongue, to hear him scream and cry and beg me for it. He says he doesn't care, that he wants that, but he has no idea what he's saying._

_Kei's right. No one in their right mind would ever want that. Ba-chan deserves to be treated gently, to be respected. He doesn't want me to slap him or bite him, or pull on his hair so he cries out while I…_

"God," Jakotsu felt hot tears of frustration spill down his cheeks as he struggled not to picture those things, not to wake Bankotsu and take from him whatever he wanted. "What's wrong with me?"

There was no answer, but he wasn't expecting one.

----------

"Thank you for coming," Dr. Taijiya had tea and cookies laid out when Bankotsu was ushered to her office the next morning by Inuyasha. It was a very obvious attempt to warm him towards her, and that only made him more annoyed, and more determined to remain annoyed with her. "Take a seat, please." She gestured to the chair he usually sat in during their sessions, her smile shaking slightly. He sat down as though it was his own idea, scowled at her, and deliberately ignored the tea. She heaved a great sigh, took a gulp of her own cup of steaming liquid and turned to him, eyes earnest and pleading.

"Bankotsu, I thought I should tell you," she began once more. "Dr. Fuyu has decided to allow you to continue living with Jakotsu. She was concerned about him…exacerbating your situation, after the incident, and I can't say her fears were completely unfounded, but after how strongly you reacted to the idea, I stepped in on your behalf, and she's willing to let you two stay together for now if you'll agree to meet with her personally on a weekly basis. She's just…she wants the best for you, you must know."

Bankotsu leveled a dry look at her, staring until she broke the gaze by glancing down at her tea, cheeks flushed with embarrassment from the intensity of hidden emotion in those deep blue eyes. "What, then?" he finally spoke. "You expect me to thank you?"

"Bankotsu…" she set her cup down on the saucer sharply, causing it to clatter and spill slightly over the edge. "I'm sorry about what happened, and I…I understand how I could have given you the wrong idea. I can't help treating you a bit…differently from the other patients. You're a sweet boy, a good boy despite what happened, and you remind me…I don't know if you realized I have a brother here? He's a patient, and he's gone through…well, you remind me of him."

"I know." Bankotsu had meant it to sound more bitter, but it was hard, with her trembling like a leaf, the sound of tears unshed thick in her voice. Despite his confusion and disappointment, despite the temptation to lay all his frustration and anger at her door…he couldn't help liking her, and it was hard to be angry with her when she was being so frank with him, treating him just as if they weren't in an asylum. He could imagine her wearing his school uniform, could imagine him asking her on a date and her fluttering and shaking like this as she tried to explain that she already had a boyfriend, but that she really wanted to be his friend still. He knew she wasn't his age…but it was still so easy to imagine. She was nothing like Jakotsu, but he couldn't help caring about her and feeling he had some sort of claim to her, even though he knew it was ridiculous.

"And…and it isn't just the age difference, or the fact that you're my patient and it would be gross misconduct, or anything like that. You honestly _do_ remind me of my brother, and to be honest, I _do_ care about you…just not…not in that way." She flushed again, seeming younger again, much more like she might be nearly his age, or only a few years older. "Mir—that is to say, Dr. Houshi and I have been together for some time now, so I suppose…I mean, I don't really think of how I might seem…that way to other men…does that make sense?"

"Ah…yeah, yeah it does." Bankotsu felt a bit embarrassed to have caused such a fuss. It wasn't as if there had ever been any chance his therapist would want to have that sort of relationship with him in the first place. _It might have worked for Jakotsu…but he's so magnetic, he's impossible to resist, and he gets under your skin, but I'm just the same as I've always been. Regrettable, and totally forgettable._ "Besides that…I mean, who would want to…I mean, you know what I did."

"Bankotsu, honestly, that has nothing to do with it." She smiled at him warmly. "And I really want you to think of me as a friend, as a sister if you can. But…if it's uncomfortable for you meeting with me like this, we can find another doctor for you, someone you don't have to feel awkward around."

"I…thanks," Bankotsu gave her a crooked smile and picked up his cup, letting the warmth seep into his fingers, letting her smile into his heart, healing some of the pain there. "But…I mean, I think you're the one who feels awkward. If you…if you still want me as a patient, I think I'd rather have a doctor who won't give up on me, who understands me like you do than take a gamble on someone else. If you want me, still."

"Of course!" she sprang up, and came around the table, reaching out and then stopping herself. Bankotsu set down the cup and reached out as well, letting her hug him and trying to imagine that she was his mother…or at least his older sister. Someone who would care about him even after all he'd done, and who would help him get better.

_Not my mother, then, since she's completely washed her hands of me._

"I think it's kinda funny you think that it's your fault. I'm the crazy." He pointed out as she broke away and went back to her seat, wiping away a few stray tears of relief from her pink cheeks.

"Bankotsu, you're not a 'crazy.' You have an illness, something that we can work together to get through, and to manage. You might not ever be exactly normal, but with medication and with an understanding of how your body and mind work together, you'll be able to live a normal life." She assured him. "You want to get better, and that's the most important thing. Most of the people who spend a long time here, their biggest obstacle is their own refusal to admit that there's something wrong, and that they need to fix it."

"Y—yeah," Bankotsu had a sudden urge to ask about Jakotsu, to ask how long he'd been here. He knew what had happened, of course, but he hadn't asked when, or how long Jakotsu had been here, and he already knew that his roommate didn't take medications, and that he didn't like how they affected him, just from being around him and hearing him say things about the pills they were handed each night. He had even teased Bankotsu about it when he had started taking his own medications, saying how he wouldn't be fun anymore, how the pills would probably make him sick and sluggish.

"_Almost everything they give out here just makes you sleep all the time, and when you don't sleep, you just sit around looking stoned. It's a fucking brain-melt cocktail you're downing."_

Jakotsu…it had been great this morning, waking up together. Now that he had come to terms with his own sexuality, enough to admit he was attracted to another man, enough to make a move, to return his advances…he had thought that would be the most difficult thing, but as he sat here, drinking tea with his therapist—a woman that Jakotsu had once tried to throw out a window—and talking out his feelings, he wondered what kind of chances they could have.

_I guess the bright side is he knows what I did, and he doesn't seem to care. But it doesn't stop me…I mean, I still want to see his file, want to see the pictures. Is that just me wanting to know more about him because I want this thing between us to go somewhere, or am I sabotaging myself? Maybe I think the pictures will scare me so bad I won't want to be with him anymore._

_Maybe…I think I can do this, but I'm terrified. I'm already completely fucked up, and now I have to be gay? With a bipolar boyfriend who I already know is capable of killing me if he thinks for a second I'm cheating on him?_

"Hey," the doctor's voice caused him to blink and he stared at her for a long moment, trying to regain his balance, trying to remember what they had been talking about. "You seemed pretty far away there. Anything you want to talk about?"

"I don't…I don't know." He admitted. He realized suddenly that he didn't want to tell her about Jakotsu just now. He wasn't sure if he was ashamed, or terrified, or if it was just that he knew she wouldn't approve. He had a guilty feeling in his gut, keeping something like that secret from her, and he wondered what Jakotsu would think of him not wanting to talk about them.

_I think it's serious, but I can't even tell her about it…am I serious about anything? Am I even really serious about getting better, or do I just like talking to her? I mean…I should be excited! I want to be with him, and he wants to be with me. Isn't that good?_

But then again, did Jakotsu really want to be with him? He had been very vague and contradictory, saying that they couldn't be together while he kissed him and held him, had slept with him, but had not really…tried anything. Knowing what a sexual being Jakotsu was, it seemed…very weird.

"Do you think…" he almost jumped as he realized he was talking aloud, and he wondered if there was something in his tea to make him want to share his thoughts with Dr. Taijiya. "I mean, this isn't about you, or anything, so don't get weird. I just…I've been thinking about things with me. And I wonder, I mean, I know you say I'm great, but I'm pretty sure you have to. Do you really think…do you think that after everything, do you think I could be happy again? Someday, I mean, not like tomorrow or anything."

"Of course I believe that." She smiled, twirling a cookie between her fingers. "Bankotsu, you're so young still. You're only sixteen! You have your whole life in front of you, and I know right now, being here…I'm sure it must seem like a death sentence, like everyone you knew is part of a completely different world, but the truth is that our world is what we make of it. This isn't the end for you, I know you'll get better, and that you'll rejoin the outside world. I know you'll get your degree, get a job, get married, do whatever you want. What do you want to be?"

"I just…want to be normal." He admitted, giving an odd little laugh. "But…I mean, I don't think I'll ever be normal. And who would _want_ to marry me? Who could honestly be with me, knowing what I am, knowing what I did, no matter how young I am now. Do you think that I could just say 'hey, so I know you love me, so I just wanted you to know that I killed my stepfather when I was a teenager, but I was young, so you know, no big deal.' Do you honestly think that any person…any person who isn't a complete fuck-up, maybe even worse than me, would say 'hey, no, that's cool, let's get married! I totally trust you not to turn on me and kill me in my sleep.' Do you really, Doc?"

"Bankotsu, I know it seems unbelievable now, but being in love…it isn't about trying to find someone who will _settle_ for you. It's about finding someone who thinks you're amazing, _even if_ they know you aren't perfect, and knowing that you think that person's amazing too." She told him, and from her dreamy smile, he could tell that this was probably no longer about him so much as it was about her own relationship. "And when you find something like that, you'll find that they understand you, and they understand that you made a mistake, but that it doesn't make you any less amazing then you are. And I don't want you to ever feel like you have to settle."

"Doc, have you been sneaking anti-depressants?" he asked, and she laughed, flushing.

"Okay, I know I sound like a dorky fairy-tale when I talk like that, so I'm sorry!" she apologized. "But it's true. And you know what? If you ever find a girl who you love and trust enough to tell her everything, and she changes her mind about you, I will go punch her for you. But you have to swear you won't tell Dr. Fuyu I said that."

"Okay, I swear." Bankotsu grinned a little, feeling a bit better.

"And one other thing," she leaned in, and he tilted his head. "Call me Sango."

"Oh…okay. Sango." He tested the name out, and he couldn't say why it felt so good, so satisfying, but he realized that even if everything in his life was weird and messed up right now, at least she was someone he could depend on to always think the best of him. He needed an advocate right now, because he wasn't sure he could even believe in himself, but with her rooting for him, laughing and talking with him like they were just friends, just normal people…it seemed like it might be easy.

He would think about Jakotsu later. It was really hard to imagine living a real life again, and being with Jakotsu as being things that weren't mutually exclusive.

_I want to be with him…I really do feel good when I'm with him, and he calms me, he gives me something I need, but at the same time…_

"_Most of the people who spend a long time here, their biggest obstacle is their own refusal to admit that there's something wrong, and that they need to fix it."_

_I think that Jakotsu's one of those people who's happy the way he is…if I want to stay with him, it means staying here, and never getting better. I can't…I can't make that decision._

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To be Continued…


	9. Chapter 9

Medication

Chapter 9

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"Hey," Bankotsu looked back as he felt a short tug on his sleeve while he was walking toward his session with Dr. Fuyu and he saw Kagura looking like she was up to no good. Actually, this was basically how she always looked to him, and he wondered if it was a look she cultivated or if it was just because he was suspicious of her, because she was normally up to something. He wondered if this was something that had rubbed off on him from spending so much time around Jakotsu and Renkotsu, but he wasn't sure. Then he realized what was truly odd about her. He couldn't see Kikyo anywhere, which was an extremely rare occurrence.

"Where's—"

"I gave her the slip, we need to talk." Kagura cut off his question and yanked him by the elbow towards a room that he wasn't familiar with, shoving him in and joining him in the dark space before flipping the light on. It was a small closet, and Bankotsu felt suddenly like he would have been more comfortable with the light off. With it on, he could see the walls surrounding him, Kagura blocking his path to the door, and his heart suddenly was hammering in his chest.

_What am I, afraid she's the boogey-man? She might have her secrets, and she might not have the most upstanding moral fiber, but she's not going to do anything to me. I mean…even if she wanted to, I could take her down easily._

_Even if the walls seem to be penning me in, holding me down, freezing me. I need to get a grip!_

He wanted to count, but he knew it would seem extremely weird. He wanted Jakotsu to tell him it was alright. He wanted Dr. Taijiya to yank the door open and set him free. But he knew he was going to just have to keep a grip on himself.

"Now that you're back from your freak-out, I wanted to schedule the trip to Fuyu's office." The girl spoke as he was still trying not to panic. He let out a slightly hysterical giggle.

"Oh…is that all?" he asked, and she gave him a bizarre look.

"What did you think, I was going to just give you a quickie?" she snorted in disbelief. "However it may seem, I am actually exclusive. Besides, Jakotsu's made it pretty clear you're off limits. I wonder what he'll do to Naraku once he gets out of solitary? He was so _pissed_ when he came out and heard why you were missing."

"He…oh." Bankotsu shook his head sharply, trying to ignore the paranoia the walls were causing him to feel and focus on her words. "Well…anytime is fine, I guess. Just…I don't know, I thought like at night. I kinda want to keep this secret."

"Oooh, so Jakotsu doesn't know?" she gave him a wicked smirk. "It is a pretty scary story, I suppose, but we all have our freak-outs. As long as you don't lead him on and then dump him, you should be fine."

"I don't…that isn't…" Bankotsu went scarlet, not knowing how to properly deny her words when she had easily guessed exactly what he was after.

"Fine, don't give yourself an aneurysm." She rolled scarlet eyes at him. "How's Saturday?"

"Um…today's Thursday, right?" he was still rather disoriented because of the days he'd spent under sedation. "Sure…that seems fine. Midnight?"

"A midnight rendezvous? How poetic of you." She gave him a cynical look, nodded, and left the closet, letting him rush out after her, feeling as though he had been suffocating and had just been given air. "Fine, I'll meet you in there," she jerked her thumb at the closet, and he did his best not to look panicked at the idea of waiting for someone in the small area. "What?"

"I don't…like that much." He gave her a queasy look, and she heaved a sigh.

"Well, we can't meet in my room, and if we meet in yours, you _know_ Jakotsu will want to come." She raised an eyebrow. "So what do you want?"

"Okay, fine, the closet." He capitulated, and she gave a sharp nod, turned on her heel and took off down the corridor as though they hadn't just been in a closet together. He blinked after her, nodded to himself and headed towards Dr. Fuyu's office.

----------

Half an hour later, he trudged back to his room feeling utterly eviscerated. He remembered feeling like Dr. Taijiya pried into his life, like she asked for more information than could really strictly be necessary, but next to Fuyu, she was nothing. The old lady was relentless, and of course, she had wanted to know all about Naraku, what he'd done, how it had made Bankotsu feel, if Jakotsu ever made Bankotsu feel that way, and on and on.

He didn't like those questions at all, and next to Sango's questions about things he liked to do in school, who his friends were, what his family was like, and what he wanted to be, they were much more painful, and they made him feel young and exposed. He'd held back as much as he could, but she really wouldn't give up on a line of questioning until she received whatever information she seemed to feel was necessary. He had especially not liked her questioning his relationship with Jakotsu, and while it was nearly impossible to lie to the interfering old woman, he had managed to give her the very barest of answers on all of her questions.

_She knows that I think of him as more than friends, and that I like to have him around, but I think I threw her off the scent when I said that we'd never had sex._

She had stared at him a long time after that particular question, as though she was a human lie detector and she was processing his voice to verify that the answer he was giving her was the truth. In fact, Jakotsu had been the one saying they shouldn't do anything like that, as Bankotsu recalled.

_I can't believe he didn't…I can't believe I offered myself like that._

He had been on a lot of drugs, but still…he wasn't sure that was really a good excuse.

_Now what?_

Bankotsu stood in front of his door, frowning at it as though willing it to tell him what he should do. After he had thrown himself at Jakotsu yesterday…well, he hadn't been wholly rejected, but he certainly hadn't been taken up on his offer, either. Where did that leave them? That morning had been silent, and the unspoken questions had been thick between them. Jakotsu had dropped a kiss on his forehead, muttered something about not wanting to miss his appointment with Dr. Houshi, and had left the room while Bankotsu was trying to find clean socks. Not the warmest of partings, but it could have been worse.

_The real question is what do _I_ want? Do I even know?_

At that moment, after going through such a vigorous interrogation, after being locked in a closet with Kagura, after going to his normal therapy session…well, it just seemed like a lot to handle. And to top it off, he had an itching fear that he would turn around and see Naraku at any second. It wasn't like they'd keep the other patient in solitary forever, despite what Bankotsu's own wishes on the subject might be.

_There's no reason to keep putting this off. It's my room, too. I'll have to go in at some point._ And with that thought bracing him, if a bit unsteadily, he turned the knob and opened the door.

At first…he thought he must be confused, because Jakotsu wasn't on his own bed, he was on Bankotsu's bed, and then he thought that maybe he was taking a nap, and had the unbidden thought that _maybe_ he was having a reunion with Kei. This was not so farfetched because of the sound of breathing, and the light moans, and the way that there was clear movement under the covers. But when he closed the door and stepped inside, he saw that Jakotsu was alone, and his eyes were shut…

"Are you jerking off?" the words escaped his mouth as soon as he thought them, and he clapped a hand to his lips, flushing scarlet as Jakotsu's eyes flew open and he froze.

"Um…" there was some shifting, and Jakotsu coughed slightly, avoiding his gaze. "Um…yeah. Yeah, a little bit."

"Oh." Bankotsu really wasn't sure what else he should say to that. "In my bed?"

"Yes. It is, yeah." Jakotsu sat up, folding his arms in his lap, which didn't quite hide the tenting of the sheets which made it utterly obvious that he was still aroused. "Sorry."

"Why?" he asked, figuring that there was really no point in going into anything deeper than that at this point, and besides that, he wasn't even sure Jakotsu would answer that question.

"It smells like you." Jakotsu shrugged, his expression halfway between guilt and brazen, very much a teenager being caught in the wrong but feeling that nothing he did could _really_ be wrong. Bankotsu wasn't sure whether it was cute or irritating. "And…I mean, I almost lost it last night. I don't know…if you like…if you still think all that stuff. If you still want to…be close to me and everything. You were pretty drugged up, so I wasn't sure I could really take you on your word. But…even if you do want…well, you're not some floozy intern. I can't just…just love you and leave you, you know. So I tried to think of what I could do to make sure that this would work. If you still…if you still…"

"So…you're jerking off in my bed." Bankotsu repeated everything he'd just confirmed with the other man, and he nodded sharply.

"Because, you're so…you know how I get, and you're still…" Jakotsu shook his head and ruffled his loose hair with his hands in frustration. "I didn't want you to snuggle up against me and have me just bend you over and fuck you raw." He explained frankly. "So…so I thought if I got it out of my system a bit…maybe we could be like normal people."

"Like normal people?" Bankotsu scoffed, trying to hide the tremble in his voice at Jakotsu's explanation. "Us? Two guys who are roommates in a juvie asylum? Although I guess for us, this is pretty normal. Not the first time you've had sex in my bed, just there were more people here last time. You know, if you're worried 'cause I'm a virgin, I've got a newsflash for you…I'm not."

"Yeah but…I mean, it's different with two guys, and I thought you'd want—" Bankotsu raised his hands, cutting the other man off.

"Look, I just let Taijiya and Fuyu tag-team analyze me for half the morning, not to mention being kidnapped by Kagura—"

"What?!" Jakotsu yelped in outrage, and Bankotsu plowed on.

"And I'm damned exhausted." He went on. "I don't think I'm in a good place to handle you jerking off in my bed so that you can stop yourself…yeah. And honestly, I don't think I'm in a good place for discussing anything about…us. Anyway, so sorry, but I need that bed now for rest, so if you're going to stay in it, keep your business to your own side."

"I…I can leave if you want." Jakotsu's eyes were wide then, so wide they seemed almost impossible, vast hazel orbs glistening with specks of green and blue and brown. "I didn't mean to presume or anything, and I understand if you just want to forget—"

"No discussing!" Bankotsu climbed onto the bed, shoving Jakotsu toward the wall. "I just said no more discussing! I'm fucking discussed out for one day, at least. Just…just you don't have to stay if it's weird, but if you do…don't go far. I sleep better when I know you're there."

"Oh." Jakotsu took a moment to think this over. "Okay. I'll stay, then."

"Good." Bankotsu wrapped an arm around his slight form and pulled him close, doing his best to ignore the hard length pressing against his hip and the whimper Jakotsu let out as he came in contact with it. "Wake me for dinner."

"What about lunch?" his voice was shaking, but Bankotsu was just so tired.

"Eh." He buried his nose in Jakotsu's neck, and sighed happily, kissing the flesh there lightly. "I do like being with you." He didn't say anything more, he didn't bother to elaborate, and true to his instructions, Jakotsu didn't ask him for anything more.

He just held Bankotsu close, kissed the top of his head and rallied his control while he watched the young man sleep.

_I don't know what he's thinking, or what he wants, but I want him to be happy, no matter what._

That thought was followed by another, quieter one which caused blood to suffuse Jakotsu's cheeks.

_I can't believe he caught me doing that in his bed._

_If only I'd finished, I'd probably feel a lot less terrified at the moment._

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To be continued…


	10. Chapter 10

Medication

Chapter 10

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Two days later, Bankotsu edged out of bed slowly, not wanting to wake Jakotsu. They continued to share a bed, though they still hadn't really discussed the implications of sleeping together, whether they were starting a real relationship or just taking comfort in each other. Bankotsu liked kissing Jakotsu, holding him and falling asleep next to him. He loved spending time with him, talking and laughing and letting Jakotsu comb out his hair, but he hated thinking about this, trying to make sense of it all gave him a headache and made him nearly panic at times. He was starting to suspect Sango knew something was going on, but he didn't know if he was just being paranoid, because of the fact that he would freeze up immediately if Jakotsu came too close or acted at all questionable anywhere outside of their room. The way the other boy looked at him when this would happen…it made Bankotsu feel guilty, but he couldn't help it.

Besides…he felt more guilty about what he was going to do tonight than he felt about the hurt look in Jakotsu's eyes when he pushed him away. He had to do it, though. He had been obsessing about it for weeks now, and he desperately wanted to see, wanted to know how he would react, even if he knew it would be painful and possibly destroy things between Jakotsu and him. It was like a cut he couldn't help touching, as if to remind himself of the damage and the reality of it.

Bankotsu made his way carefully, padding barefoot down the halls, peering around corners before moving on. He knew there were probably orderlies either patrolling the halls or watching the security cameras, but he hoped it was either Kouga, or that they had fallen asleep on shift. In any case, he tried to avoid the cameras, and he moved along as quietly as possible, looking around in a panic every time he thought he heard footsteps, but he made it to the closet without running into anyone.

Kagura was already there when he opened the door hesitantly, for which he was grateful. He had really not looked forward to waiting there in the dark. She put a finger to her lips, nodded and beckoned for him to follow her, which he did without hesitation. He hoped she knew what she was doing; the prospect of punishment was bad enough, but he felt sure that he would for some reason be sent to solitary, of which he was completely terrified. He did not want to get caught, that was for sure.

After what seemed like eons of carefully edging down halls, peering around corners and darting around to avoid the cameras, they were standing outside the door to Dr. Fuyu's office, and Kagura fumbled with a chain around her neck, pulling it out and revealing a small pouch, from which she pulled a key that let them into the office. Bankotsu did not need her to beckon him that time. The less time spent lingering in the hallway breaking into the head doctor's office, the better, as far as he was concerned.

Kagura padded lightly through the office searching through a couple cabinets to find where the permanent files were kept, and Bankotsu noticed there didn't seem to be any cameras in here unless they were very well hidden. This made sense, he supposed. Surely the doctor didn't want the orderlies being to watch her at all hours, and he had also noticed that Sango's office didn't seem to have a camera, although she had mentioned that sometimes she taped conversations, and had recorded a couple of the ones they had shared, although he had failed to see anything really different or important about those specific sessions.

"Jackpot!" Kagura's voice was barely a whisper, but her excitement was obvious, and Bankotsu moved over to join her. "I'll just take…this one." She pulled out her own file, strolled over to Fuyu's desk as though this were her office, and flipped on the desk lamp so she could read it. Bankotsu frowned at her and used the dim light to help him look through the cabinet, flipping through the files and pulling them out as he saw names that interested him.

"So…what did you do?" he asked her, and she shrugged slightly.

"Sent a kid to the hospital." She told him. "He lived."

"Is that true?" he asked, narrowing his eyes as he pulled out Renkotsu's file, and she giggled.

"If you really want to know, I'll let you see this. It's full of speculation…they should just ask Kikyo if they want to know what my deal is, but they think they can figure me out…" she giggled again and went back to reading.

"Just…well, you lie most of the time." He pointed out, pulling out Naraku's folder after a moment of trepidation. It was very thick, and he was not really sure he wanted to read it, but after all, he should know more about the weirdo who'd attacked him.

"Not all the time." She told him pointedly, and he waved a folder at her.

"You want Kikyo's file?" he asked, and she considered a moment before shaking her head and wrinkling her nose.

"She wouldn't approve, I don't want to pry." She said, which struck Bankotsu as very odd, and made him feel guilty all over again. "Besides, I'm pretty sure I know her better than these quacks do."

"Suit yourself." He grumbled, annoyed that she'd made him feel guilty about this, and flipping through the files again. He glanced at his own name, thought about pulling the folder, but decided he would rather not see it. He knew what he'd done, after all. He didn't need to read about it, to see a picture of his stepfather lying in a pool of blood.

He moved to the chair where he usually sat while visiting the doctor, and pulled open the top file. It was Ginkotsu's, and it didn't really tell him anything he didn't already know about the weird young man's delusional ideas about his "bionic arm," except for the technical term for his disorder. He had gotten in trouble a lot, hurting himself, hurting others, stealing from hardware stores…nothing too surprising. He pushed it aside and opened the next one.

Mukotsu had stalked someone, which he had already heard, breaking into their house and attacking them, and his file mostly talked about how he would build up relationships without any encouragement from the other party. He hadn't realized that he'd attacked Kikyo a few months before Bankotsu had arrived at the hospital, but the incident was recorded in his file, as well.

He tossed that one aside as well, noticed that Kagura was now waiting for him, dozing off with her own file sitting to one side and her hands folded on her lap, before he picked up Naraku's thick file with some trepidation. He flipped it open to a packet of pictures near the back, and his eyes went wide. The shots looked like something from a horror movie. Naked and half naked children, filthy and emaciated, sprawled in death and near-death, some of them spattered in blood, and some of them so dirty it was hard to tell what they were covered in.

He couldn't stand the pictures, so he flipped back to the paperwork, and was unsurprised to learn that Naraku had something called Sadistic Personality Disorder, but he was horrified to read about how he had systematically kidnapped, tortured, and killed several children before he had been caught and locked up.

_It seems like something he would do…but still._

He glanced at the dates and names on the report again, and realized that he had actually _heard_ of this, a couple years ago…someone kidnapping children, and they'd found them all in the person's basement, most of them dead or near death. He hadn't realized that the crime had been committed by someone around his own age. His hands were trembling and he felt slightly out of breath as he closed the folder and pushed it away.

"Is that…is that Naraku's?" Kagura roused herself and pulled the folder toward her, flipped it open, made a gagging noise and closed it again. "What a fucking whack-job."

"Did you know?" he asked, taking this moment to compose himself and flipping through pictures of several houses Renkotsu had attempted to burn down.

"Everyone knows what he did, but the pictures…ugh, I guess you kinda think in here that you get used to anything." She scrunched her nose up. "I hope they never let him out."

"He doesn't…I mean, he seems really weird, but he doesn't seem like he'd do _that_." Bankotsu eyed the thick packet warily, as though it would attack him.

"He's a good actor; he's charming when he wants to be." Kagura rolled her eyes, scooped up the discarded folders and started filing them again. "Then again, so was Hitler, right?"

"I don't know…I guess." Bankotsu put aside Renkotsu's folder and saw that the next one in his stack was the one he most wanted to see. Jakotsu's.

"Are you really going to look?" Kagura was right behind him, and he jumped up in surprise, not realizing that he'd been staring at the closed folder for so long. "Do you really want to?"

"I know what he did." Bankotsu told her. "He told me."

"Yeah…but if it's not a big deal, why go to all this trouble, and why hide it from him?" she pursed her lips and reached over, tapping the folder thoughtfully. "Is there something going on between you two?"

"You're the one who's supposed to know everything that happens here, you tell me." He dodged her question and flipped the folder open defiantly, skimming through the report, which didn't really tell him anything he didn't already know. His heart was hammering in his chest, and he almost didn't feel the disapproving gaze boring into his head as he reached the pictures.

There was a lot of blood. Red, everywhere, so much of it that it looked fake, and it was scary, but he had expected this. It wasn't any worse than he'd thought it would be, and he could see it all unfolding in his mind as he stared at the crime scene photo, could even picture the blood and tears mingling on Jakotsu's face, could hear him crying out in rage and sorrow, and as he flipped through the pictures, he realized with a small sense of amazement that this didn't change how he felt at all.

He felt guilty still, but seeing that these photos couldn't change the way he viewed Jakotsu…it made him oddly happy and terrified at the same time. What kind of person was he, to excuse such a brutal scene, to view it as nothing to worry about because of the person who had done it, and his feelings for that person.

"Satisfied?" Kagura's tone was muted as he closed the folder, and he licked his lips, turning to her, ignoring the rest of his stack. "What?"

"Should I be afraid of him?" he asked her, and she blinked in surprise, frowning and shrugging in response. "I'm not. I'm not afraid of him, I'm afraid of me."

"I'm not really sure I know what that means." She admitted. "Maybe Kikyo would, she loves this psycho-babble bullshit."

"If Kouga came in here," he asked her, picking up the folder and taking it back to the cabinet as she gathered the rest up, seeing that he was clearly done. "What would you think…if he looked through your file?"

"He already knows what I did." She shrugged, not meeting his eyes. It was obvious she didn't like talking about her relationship with the orderly. "Why would he need to look at the file? Besides, the pictures in mine aren't that bad, although maybe I'm just used to them, because I was there, because I did it."

"But what would you think?" he prompted. "Would you be mad at him?"

"Feeling regret a bit too late, aren't you?" she chuckled. "I don't know…I'd be annoyed, I guess. But I mean, that's totally different…unless you're trying to tell me something about Jakotsu and you?"

"Never mind." He shook his head as she closed the cabinet. "Let's just go."

"Fine, fine," she headed toward the door, but stopped with her hand on the knob, turning back to him with a thoughtful look. "I wouldn't want him to, if that's what you're asking, and to tell you the truth, I don't think you have the right to look at your friend's files. It's fine if we say you can look, but sneaking in like this…well, would you want him to sneak into your file?"

He didn't answer, but he was silent all the way back to his room, thinking over what he'd done, knowing it was wrong, and not knowing what to do about it. Jakotsu was sleeping peacefully when he came back, and he felt greedy for affection, so he clambered into the bed, nudged him over so he was lying on his back and unbuttoned his shirt, kissing his throat, licking the skin and moving lower, splaying his hands over the other man's chest, touching the skin of his toned stomach, kissing and touching him until his eyes fluttered open and he began trembling.

"St—stop that." He didn't sound like he meant it, so Bankotsu ignored his words.

"Touch me," he pleaded, unbuttoning his own shirt to add to the invitation, and Jakotsu let out a noise like a strangled sob, his fingers tracing a trail over his skin. "Kiss me, please."

"Ba-chan," he breathed, and Bankotsu pushed against him kissing him greedily, swallowing the moan that Jakotsu released into his mouth and kneading the pale flesh of his sides, his arms, his shoulders. "If you don't…don't stop…"

"I told you I'm not a virgin." He responded, sliding his hands down, hooking his thumbs over the edge of his waistband and pushing it down. Jakotsu was still shaking like a leaf, so he paused, grinning cockily. "What are you, afraid?"

"I am, but it's not that." Jakotsu was trying to wriggle away from him, but Bankotsu's limbs were surrounding him, holding Jakotsu underneath him. "The lithium…gives me the shakes."

"What?" Bankotsu was so surprised that he stopped, and Jakotsu managed to yank his pants back up, whimpering in arousal as they both shifted against each other. "You told me you didn't take your meds. You said you didn't like them."

"But I like you." Jakotsu's voice was hushed, and thick with embarrassment. Bankotsu felt like he couldn't breathe, but he wasn't panicking. "I want…if you really want to be with me…I want to be good to you. I want to be…normal, if I can. I don't want to hurt you, to scare you away. You're…I think…I think I love you, but I want to be sane, so you can believe it, so I can believe it."

"So you're taking your meds." He took this in. "You don't…if you don't want to, I won't make—"

"I want to be normal, okay?" Jakotsu cut him off, and he realized there was a glistening trail of tears on his cheeks. "I want us to be…I want to really try this…if…if you want to. I really…I want us to be in love like people in the real world, to just…just be together. I don't want to feel like I have to hurt you, like I have to make you scream and bleed for it to be any good. I want to just…just lay with you. Like couples do."

"You're taking your meds." He repeated this in a wooden tone.

"It's only been a few days." Jakotsu admitted. "I never wanted to be…better before. But you make me want—"

Bankotsu kissed him then, crushing his mouth so fiercely that he tasted blood, and Jakotsu returned it as soon as he got over his surprise, clutching at him and moaning softly into his mouth. As the kiss continued, it became gentler, and he sighed softly at the feeling of Jakotsu's thin fingers running up his bare spine.

"I'm glad." He finally spoke after the kiss ended, and he realized that as terrifying as this was…Jakotsu was willing to work for it, and that was the thing he had been most worried about. If he could do that, then Bankotsu couldn't be bothered to push him away. "I think…I want that, too."

They kissed again, over and over again, holding each other and falling asleep that way. Bankotsu forgot to feel guilty, and even forgot to be afraid.

All he could feel was Jakotsu.

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To be continued…


	11. Chapter 11

Medication

Chapter 11

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"You're so cheerful this morning." Kikyo seemed to be staring intently at her notebook, but when Bankotsu flopped down into a chair to relax a bit before Inuyasha fetched him for his session, she spoke to him as though she had seen him coming. Jakotsu was already in his own session, and after speaking to him last night, he was finally starting to feel optimistic about this thing happening between the two of them. They had eaten a quick breakfast together, sharing toast and letting their knees bump under the table.

_For the first time in a long time…I feel like a teenager. Like a normal one who wants something normal._

"I slept well," he shrugged, grinning at her as she glanced at him. Her eyes were ancient, it seemed, and he felt like she knew everything just from that one look.

"That's nice," she raised an eyebrow and looked down again, crossing something out and tapping her pen against her lips before speaking again. "I'd think you'd be exhausted after staying up late and sneaking around."

"You…what do you mean?" Bankotsu felt a jolt of guilt and icy fear. He had been able to avoid thinking of what he had done last night with Kagura, of what Jakotsu might think if he knew, but now it came thundering back and he felt foolish and terrified.

"Kagura isn't as sneaky as she thinks." Kikyo closed her notebook with a snap and gave him an expression that made him feel like he'd been caught by Dr. Fuyu herself. "And she can't keep anything secret from me for long. Despite her condition, she's a horrible liar."

"Look…I know I shouldn't have," he grabbed her wrist, his hand shaking slightly. "Just don't tell anyone, okay?"

"I'm not a tattle tale, whatever you think." She rolled her eyes and used her other hand to pluck his fingers from her wrist. "But I don't agree with what you did, and I really don't think it says much for you that you seem to be starting some sort of serious relationship with Jakotsu, and then you go behind his back and do research on him like a hired detective. It's a betrayal, and I think you should admit what you did to him as soon as possible."

"You don't know what's between us, and you're not my relationship counselor," Bankotsu grumbled, annoyed and not quite as frightened now that she had said she wouldn't tell on him. Kikyo wasn't the sort to go back on her word. "I'm not going to screw things up right away, so just don't say anything and it's no big deal. Just because you're miserable and alone doesn't mean you have to make sure everyone else is too!"

"I am not attempting to make you 'miserable and alone,' actually." She told him in a level tone, though he could see a spark of anger and hurt at his words. He had never really tried to upset Kikyo before, but even that had only made her flinch momentarily. Was this really the same girl who had tried to kill herself and her entire family in a fit of despair? "I'm trying to help you. Even though I know Jakotsu does not have the warmest of feelings towards myself or any other woman in this institution, I know him well enough to say that something like this," she gestured vaguely towards Bankotsu, "could help him grow a lot, and I think you two could help each other if you would learn to simply _trust_ one another. You know that you feel guilty about it, so you should just tell him. Otherwise, it will continue to nag at you and come between you, and if he somehow finds out from someone else, then what do you think will happen?"

"You just said you wouldn't—"

"I will not," she told him sharply. "But I don't control this place or the people in it. You've been here a while now, you must realize that nothing stays secret for long. He'll find out eventually. Would you rather he hear it from someone else?"

"What the hell's your problem?" he sighed in defeat and she gave him a tiny smile.

"Psychotic depression, but I'm being medicated." She told him, and he rolled his eyes at her joke.

"You know that isn't what I meant." He replied in a flat tone. "I just don't fucking get you. You help whackos sell their pills for freaking toys and shit, you know the life story of like everyone here, and you are all about rehab, even though your own best friend refuses to even tell anyone what's wrong with her."

"Kagura does tell, in her own way." Kikyo answered. "She just needs to find the doctor who's willing to listen." She pursed her lips and gave him a serious look. "I'm not Naraku, I'm not going to tell people secrets behind their backs to turn them all against each other." At the mention of the name, Bankotsu flinched, and she reached out, cold fingers lightly touching the back of his hand. "I won't tell, but I really think you should. As you said, I'm not your counselor, so it's up to you. I just thought you could do with the advice."

Before he could say anything more, Inuyasha came for him and he walked to his session feeling considerably less cheerful than he had earlier that morning.

_I know what she's saying makes sense…but that doesn't mean I have to like it._

_Maybe he won't mind…or maybe he'll flip out and never want to talk to me again._

Bankotsu wondered vaguely if he was sabotaging himself somehow. It was really starting to feel that way. He kept putting himself in situations that were impossible, trapping himself and pushing away every chance at happiness and normalcy.

_I shouldn't be asking Kikyo what her problem is. I should be asking myself what mine is._

_Why can't I just live my life?_

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"There you are!" Jakotsu skipped across the common area, and Bankotsu looked up guiltily. He didn't want to avoid his roommate, but the memory of what Kikyo and him had discussed that morning made him wander into the common room after his session rather than returning to his room, where he knew Jakotsu would be waiting.

_I just need to think…if I'm going to tell him…I have to figure out how to do it. I don't want him to be angry, but the more I think about it, the more it seems like he'll freak out. I would._

"What's going on?" Jakotsu fell gracefully into his lap, giggling mischievously as a few other inmates looked over at the scene they were making. Bankotsu felt a bit embarrassed, and he had the urge to shove the taller boy away, but his face was glowing with happiness.

_He really cares about me. I've never seen him this happy before._

_How can I tell him?_

"I was just tired," he answered finally, and Jakotsu laughed again.

"Well then come lay down. I'll leave you alone and let you take a nap if that's what you need." Jakotsu climbed back out of his lap and held out a hand, his hazel eyes gleaming.

"Everyone's looking at us." Bankotsu didn't know what else to say as he took the hand and stood up as well.

"Does it bother you?" Jakotsu leaned in, real concern in his eyes.

_This is why I want to be with him…even though he's another guy, he's so…he knows me better than I know myself, it seems. And he would never do anything to hurt me. He's taking those pills he hates just so he can be good enough for me, but really…_

_I don't deserve him._

"Let's go," he avoided answering, because it did bother him a bit, and while he didn't want to lie, he could already imagine the flash of sadness in Jakotsu's expression if he admitted that. He still remembered the first day they met, that night when Jakotsu sat up with him and helped him calm down when he felt as if the walls were closing in. He remembered Jakotsu's earnest request that he tell him any time he did anything to make him uncomfortable.

_It seemed so simple then, but even though he would pretend that he didn't care if I pulled my hand away right now, it would hurt him. He seems so confident, but I think in a lot of ways, he's just as afraid as me._

_I want him to be happy._

The revelation shouldn't have been so startling, but it was. Bankotsu's eyes went wide, and Jakotsu looked over in alarm. "Are you okay? Are you having an attack?" they were close to the room, and Jakotsu ushered him in, pushing him toward the bed so he could sit down. "Just breathe, okay? It'll be okay. Do you want me to tell a story or something?"

"I'm fine, I'm fine," Bankotsu turned and pulled Jakotsu into his arms, squeezing the wiry frame tightly against him, marveling at the fact that it could feel so soft and warm to hug someone so skinny. "I'm fine."

"Okay," Jakotsu gave a nervous chuckle, hugging him back and hunching down so he could press his nose into the crook of Bankotsu's neck and breathe his scent in deeply. "Did I freak you out? If you like, I don't have to be so—"

"I'm not the only person here," Bankotsu cut in, grabbing his shoulders and pushing back so he could look into hazel eyes filled with surprise and confusion. "I'm still getting used to this whole thing…with you, but I want it to work. I want you to be happy."

"I don't have to hold your hand in front of everyone to be happy, Ba-chan." Jakotsu assured him, slender fingers brushing through his bangs, twisting the black strands out of his eyes. "I don't have to sit in your lap and sit there looking like some conqueror of poor straight boys. It must be really weird for you, being with a guy, and I shouldn't push—"

Bankotsu kissed him, pushing him backward aimlessly until they stumbled onto Jakotsu's own bed. "Listen to me when I say this, okay?" he pulled back barely, so close their breath mingled, foreheads pressed together, and eyelashes flirting with each other, just missing with each blink. "You can't always just do whatever I want, just to try and make me happy. What I'm telling you is that if it makes you happy to walk around holding hands…kissing in front of everyone…whatever, it's fine. I'll get used to it, and it's not the guy thing, to be honest. I was never big on public affection with anyone, so I wouldn't really…but it doesn't matter, does it? I don't give a shit what everyone thinks of me, I just care what you think, okay? So there."

"You're…a good person, Ba-chan." Jakotsu's voice was thick, and Bankotsu wondered if this was really such a big concession that it could bring the other man to tears. Had his other lovers really never allowed anything?

_No wonder he likes to do those sorts of things in bed…it's the only place he's allowed control._

"I'm not a good person," he kissed Jakotsu again, slowly, savoring it just in case…just in case what he said would really push the other man away the way he thought it might. He wanted to taste that again, he wanted to see that drunk-on-happiness sheen in Jakotsu's eyes, the dopey curling of his lips before he nudged his face forward, begging for another kiss as though he didn't think he would get it.

And another…another…just one more…

"No…just, I have to tell you something," Bankotsu had to physically force himself to stop kissing Jakotsu. It was so easy, so nice and warm. When he was kissing Jakotsu he didn't have to wonder about what his feelings meant, he didn't have to wonder if there was any future for either of them, or for the pair of them together, and he didn't have to feel afraid and alone. No one had ever made him feel so safe, not his mother, not anyone. "I think I should tell you something."

"Is this about where you went in the middle of the night?" Jakotsu asked, his voice a bare whisper. "Because I don't care, honestly, I know you probably felt you had to get the whole girl thing out of your system, and as long as you don't tell me who you did it with, it's fine, I just don't want to picture—"

"No!" Bankotsu laughed, out of nerves more than anything. "No, that's not where I went at all. I broke into Fuyu's office."

"Ooh, did you get me a present?" Jakotsu clearly thought he was joking. "I always thought she kept like a big old bottle of whiskey in one of those cabinets. I would if I were her."

"No," Bankotsu took a deep breath. "I wanted to look at the files."

"Oh." Jakotsu sounded solemn, and suddenly distant. "Oh."

"I know I shouldn't have…" he shook his head slightly and their noses brushed. "But I just…needed to see it. I needed to see what it looked like." The only noise when he paused this time was Jakotsu's shallow breathing. "I had to know if it would…make a difference or whatever. I don't know if I thought I would scare myself out of this or I was just curious or what…but I just had to see the pictures."

"Oh."

"Do…I mean, I understand if you're angry. It was a dumb thing to do." Bankotsu told him. "It's okay if you want to yell or whatever."

Silence.

"Aren't you going to say something?" he prompted.

"I need to go to the bathroom." Jakotsu was out of the bed and leaving the room so fast that Bankotsu barely had time to sit up. He blinked at the door that had just slammed shut.

_What just happened?_

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To be continued…


	12. Chapter 12

Medication

Chapter 12

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"Hey!" Bankotsu knocked loudly until a very surly looking Kagura opened her door.

"What do you want?" she snapped at him. "To show off you learned how to knock, dumbass?"

"You snitch, you fucking told Kikyo," he hadn't been looking for Kagura, but he was annoyed with her at the moment as well. "And _now_ she's messed up everything."

"Hey, I didn't mean to tell her, but you know how she can be." Kagura shrugged. "Don't worry, she won't rat you out or anything, no matter how shitty she thinks you are."

"Well I don't _give_ a shit who she tells now, it's too fucking late." He growled and peered over her shoulder. "Where is she, anyway?"

"I don't know, probably off trying to pretend she's a doctor, offer people dumb advice they don't need or want, you know, the usual." She held up a hand and rolled her eyes to the ceiling. "Why? Because I'm telling you for a fact she won't tell on us, so whatever you _think _someone knows, they don't."

"They might, if I fucking _told them myself_!" Bankotsu hissed at her angrily. "Damn Kikyo blindsided me this morning, 'Oh, it's never going to work out if you don't tell him the truth, la la la.' Great fucking advice, now he's locked up in the bathroom and won't come out."

"Wait…" Kagura blinked at him and narrowed her eyes. "Am I to understand that 'he' is Jakotsu? And you _told_ him that you busted into Fuyu's office and snooped through his file?" she didn't wait for an answer, and as soon as she saw the anger and annoyed shame in Bankotsu's expression, she burst into laughter. "You're an idiot. What do you want? Wait, you didn't tell him I helped, did you? Because I don't want him to flip out and stab me with a fork in the cafeteria."

"I didn't really get around to that, no." Bankotsu was annoyed that she thought Jakotsu might attack her for her part in this, and even more annoyed to know that he thought she was probably right.

"Well, so there _is_ something going on, isn't there? I mean, why would you tell him if he hadn't made you into a mushy little pile of snuggly warm feelings?" she asked, leaning on her doorjamb and looking extremely entertained. "I mean, damn, Bankotsu, no point keeping it a secret if you guys are secretly going at it, because everyone already thinks you are from the way you act, the way you're always all into each other. Can't keep your eyes off him, and he can't keep his off you. It's really obvious, so I don't know why you don't just confess—"

"Jesus, yes, okay?!" Bankotsu snapped, lunging forward, not really meaning to attack her or anything, just wanting her to pay attention. It worked. Her face drained of blood, and he suddenly recalled that she knew what he was here for. He wondered if she thought he'd do it to her. After all, as far as the rest of the world was concerned he'd killed that man for no reason.

_She thinks I'm dangerous. She doesn't want to be alone with me, but she still snuck out with me last night. How desperate did she have to be? She's acting smart now…but I think she knows how I feel, at least a little bit._

"Look, I'm not going to hit you or anything. I'm not crazy, whatever they say." He offered a nervous grin, his anger dissolving in the face of her fear. "I'm just…okay, yeah, so I guess…yeah, Jakotsu and I are…well, it's really…and I mean, it's not like I don't still like girls or whatever, and maybe I'm just—"

"Okay, okay, calm down." Kagura shook her head at him and pulled a face. "Seriously, what, do you think I'm going to think you're less of a man or something because of this? Boys are _all_ the same. I don't give a shit who you're with, and frankly, I wouldn't be interested even if I _were_ available."

"I wasn't _hitting_ on you, I'm just trying to—"

"Yeah, fine, I get it," she shoved past him, stepping out into the hallway. "So, he's locked himself in the bathroom, then?"

"Are you…going to help me?" Bankotsu wasn't sure this seemed very likely at all. What seemed much more likely was that she would want to torment him, possibly after locating Kikyo so they could both laugh at his misery together, since they had engineered it…in a way. "Because if you're going to just rub my face in it, you can forget it."

"No, geez, what kind of monster do you think I am? I'm helping you." Kagura snorted and rolled her eyes. "Now then…we need to find the one person that Jakotsu will _definitely_ leave the bathroom for. Obviously not you at the moment…" she tapped her lip a moment before snapping her fingers and rushing down the hall. Bankotsu blinked in surprise before hurrying after her.

"What are we doing? Who are we getting?" Bankotsu was trying to think of someone who Jakotsu would listen to even if he was upset, but he was drawing a blank. Jakotsu wasn't the sort of person to do anything he didn't want to, especially when he was in a poor mood.

"There he is!" she shot Bankotsu a quick grin as they reached the common area and he blinked at her in confusion. There was Kikyo, sitting with Suikotsu and talking quietly, there was Ginkotsu looking longingly at the television, Renkotsu sitting with him as normal. There were a handful of other patients sitting around and relaxing, but no one who struck Bankotsu as particularly close to Jakotsu. Who could she possibly mean? She had left his side, and he looked around before locating her dragging an orderly towards, them, her cheeks flushed with triumph as recognition clicked into place and Bankotsu felt his heart sink through his stomach and straight down to his feet.

"Inuyasha." He couldn't manage to sound enthusiastic about this course of action, and in fact, he felt that managing a tone of bland annoyance was a victory in control by itself. He did not really feel like this was going to make him feel better. But then again…Jakotsu wouldn't open the door for him. He had already tried that, and after being told to go away, he had been met with stubborn silence.

Maybe Inuyasha would have some success, not because Jakotsu had wanted him since before Bankotsu ever even came into the picture, but just because…well, he worked here, and it made sense. He couldn't just ignore an orderly, they could…break down the door. Or something.

Yes. Yes, maybe it was an okay plan after all.

But that didn't mean he had to be happy about it.

"What the hell is going on now?" Inuyasha was scowling, clearly annoyed that they were making him work, and possibly more irate than usual because it had something to do with Jakotsu, who had always made the young man visibly nervous. He had to have some idea of Jakotsu's feelings, and while Bankotsu didn't know _that_ much about him, he did know that he was apparently straight, much to Jakotsu's sorrow, and even had a girlfriend who had picked him up a few times from work. She was very normal and sweet looking.

If that was the sort of thing Inuyasha wanted, it would _never_ have gone anywhere with Jakotsu. He was someone extraordinary, and he couldn't be satisfied with some mundane…

_Like I have room to think things like that. I'm desperate to keep him…but I know I can't be enough for him, and I never will be. I might keep him happy for a week or two, maybe a few months if I'm lucky, but he's not the sort to settle on someone like me, no matter what he says now._

_So why am I delaying the inevitable?_

It didn't make sense, but as he followed Inuyasha and the happily chattering Kagura down the hall to the locked bathroom, he realized that things like this didn't have to make sense. He felt the way he felt, and he couldn't change that just because he knew it wasn't smart or sensible. He knew Jakotsu would probably still leave him in the end, but maybe…maybe he could hold onto this thing for a little while longer. He could make more memories, keep them held tight. And maybe if things worked out well…maybe Jakotsu wouldn't get bored. Maybe they could really…

"Hey! You can't just spend all day in there puking your guts up or crying or cutting your wrists or whatever. You have to open up or I'm unlocking, and there's a lady out here!" Inuyasha was calling out, pounding on the door.

"Even if I _wanted_ to cut my wrists, you assholes won't give me anything sharper than a spoon! So fuck off! I want to be alone." Jakotsu called back, his voice strained and brittle. Bankotsu felt even worse than he already did, as impossible as that had seemed only a few moments ago. He had never heard Jakotsu so upset before.

_That's my fault. I did that._

_What's wrong with me?_

"Look, I seriously don't give a shit." Inuyasha shouted back. "But I can't fucking leave you in there, okay? If you need to make nice with your buddy or whatever, that's great, he's right here, so say whatever you want, or you can come out, or I can bust in there and you can have an awesome time in solitary if you really wanna be alone so bad."

"Jakotsu, please!" Bankotsu didn't mean to sound panicked, but the idea of Jakotsu pushing the orderly into throwing him back in solitary seemed very feasible, and also very terrifying for him. It had been hell the last time, and knowing that Naraku might be out any day…the thought of being separated from Jakotsu when that happened was completely incomprehensible to him. "Please, I'm sorry, okay? Just come out and we can talk!"

"Or you can ignore him and just come out with me! You can spend the night in my room until you get a new roommate, or you stop being pissed." Kagura offered. "I know you hate girls, but I promise Kikyo and I won't throw ourselves at you _or_ your boyfriend the whole time."

"Wow, he really can't live in your room." Inuyasha told her, shaking his head in disbelief that she would even make such an offer. "That is really against the rules."

"Man, you're no fun at all, are you?" Kagura rolled her eyes and knocked on the door again. "Seriously, what did you ever see in this guy, Jakotsu? He's got a stick so far up his ass, there couldn't possibly be room for you." There was a long silence and a weak chuckle. Bankotsu wanted to pick Kagura up, twirl her around, and kiss her, but he stuck to just smiling hopefully.

"Yeah…well, I like things difficult." There was a soft noise that sounded like a deep sniffle. "Is…can't I just stay in here for now? I mean…I'm not hurting anyone."

"It's the fucking _rules_, man." Inuyasha called out, crossing his arms in irritation. Silence stretched out in the hall, and when Bankotsu was beginning to get nervous, Kagura gave him a tiny smile he was guessing she meant to be reassuring, and Inuyasha sighed, reaching for his belt where he had a giant loop of keys. Whether or not Jakotsu heard the keys jingling and decided it was time to end his exile before it became more serious, it wasn't clear, but just as he was trying to find the proper key, the lock clicked and the door opened slightly. Bankotsu stepped forward, but Kagura's arm shot out, stopping him from pushing into the bathroom and grabbing Jakotsu so he wouldn't disappear again.

"Hey." The slender man peered out of the doorway timidly at Inuyasha. "I'm coming out, okay? No need to make a big thing of it."

"Fine." Inuyasha clipped his keys back on and rolled his eyes. "Fucking psychos." He grumbled, stomping away.

"I think he has a real future in negotiation tactics or PR, don't you think?" Kagura joked, and Jakotsu gave a short, harsh laugh before stepping out of the bathroom, pointedly not looking at Bankotsu.

"Jakotsu, I'm really sorry about—"

"Look, genius, maybe you should give him time to cool off?" Kagura hissed at Bankotsu, still holding him back. "Go chill in the common area, let him be alone in the room?"

"Jakotsu…" Bankotsu couldn't stop himself. He just wanted the other man to look at him.

"Look…maybe you should do what she says." Jakotsu was looking at the ground as he spoke, and Bankotsu wanted to run over and shake him, demand he look at him, acknowledge him, acknowledge he was sorry, and it was just a mistake, and this wasn't going to just end everything between them.

"I really am sorry." He managed to hold himself in, but his fists were clenched so tightly he could feel his nails cutting into his palms, and all he wanted was to see Jakotsu smile at him, to tell him it was okay and he understood.

"Just go."

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To be continued…


	13. Chapter 13

Medication

Chapter 13

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Bankotsu was quite sure he had never wanted less to spend time with other people than he did at that moment, but he had already made Jakotsu upset enough. He wasn't going to simply refuse such a small request at this point. When he reached the common area, he felt dejected for a moment before a wave of anger overcame him at the sight of Kikyo still chatting with Suikotsu, both of them looking quite intent. He stormed over to them, and they both looked up at his approach.

"Thanks for the advice, genius." He snapped at her before turning to his friend, who was looking up at him with wide brown eyes full of confusion. "Don't listen to her, she'll just fuck you up."

"Oh." Suikotsu looked at Kikyo as though expecting her to explain the situation, and she pursed her lips, turning to Bankotsu.

"I think that if you recall carefully, _you're _the one that did things to upset him." She stayed vague, and Bankotsu was a bit surprised in spite of himself. She obviously meant to keep his activities last night secret, even from Suikotsu, who likely wouldn't say anything to anyone. He was very meek most of the time, and Bankotsu had been utterly confounded as to what such a kind-hearted young man could have done to get locked up before Suikotsu had explained that he wasn't _always_ like that. He had another personality, and it was very violent and dangerous.

He still remembered the look of fear in Suikotsu's eyes as he explained this, almost as sheepishly as if he were a six-year-old admitting to stealing some cookies when no one was looking. He had told Bankotsu that they were medicating him, that they were using therapy to try and merge the personalities, and that he was afraid of what that could mean for him.

"_Well, you want to get better, right? I don't think they're going to let you go if you've got another guy in your head." He had reasoned with the other young man._

"_But I'm afraid that if we merge…I'll still be crazy." Suikotsu had explained, his voice soft and terrified. "Because that's the sort of person he is. I'm afraid he'll take over everything."_

Bankotsu hadn't known what to say to that, and he still didn't. He liked Suikotsu, and thought that he was a good guy. He didn't know exactly what the other personality had caused him to do, and he was surprised to realize as he stood there that he didn't really care anymore. It seemed that if he'd gained nothing else from this entire debacle, he had learned to respect his friends for who they were now, ignoring what they might have done in the past and seeing them for who they were trying to be today.

_That's great. Wish I could have reached my little Zen realization a couple days ago, then things wouldn't be messed up right now._

Knowing that Jakotsu would rather talk to Kagura than him hurt him more deeply than he thought was possible. He hadn't realized how deeply everything Jakotsu said and did affected him, how much his approval meant to Bankotsu.

"What's going on?" Suikotsu asked, and Bankotsu blinked at him, trying to think how much he should or could tell. Was it worth it to say how he felt about Jakotsu if his feelings were already being rejected? He realized that in a way…it was very important to him.

"You can't tell anyone, 'cause I could get in real trouble." Suikotsu nodded, and he took a deep breath. "Well, I mean…you know that Jakotsu and I are pretty close, right?"

"You two are together, right?" Suikotsu asked, after a pause, and Bankotsu made an odd choking noise. Kikyo actually giggled. "I just thought…the way you look at each other."

"Yeah, I guess I was the only one who didn't notice that." Bankotsu sighed heavily. "Well…I mean, it's really new and everything. I've never even…I mean, I've only ever had girlfriends before. I never thought I'd like a guy that way."

"Jakotsu has that effect." Kikyo spoke, and it was hard to tell whether she was teasing him or not.

"But…I mean, he already told me…a while ago, what he did, you know?" Bankotsu explained, and Suikotsu nodded thoughtfully. He understood how difficult it was to be open about the past here in this place. "But I just…I couldn't let go of this idea that I needed to _see_, you know. See the pictures, look in his file and really _see_ what happened. So I got into Fuyu's office and looked at his file."

"Did you…look at mine?" Suikotsu suddenly looked like he might faint, and Kikyo reached over, her pale skin showing white against his tanned arm.

"No, I didn't get to that." He admitted. He had pulled Suikotsu's file, but there had been one real reason he'd broken into the office, and once he saw what he wanted to, he'd left.

"You shouldn't…do things like that to your friends." Suikotsu sounded sullen and relieved all at once, which was a rather odd combination. "It's not right."

"I know." He sighed heavily. "And I feel shitty about it, but Kikyo insisted I needed to tell Jakotsu, and he freaked out and locked himself in the bathroom. He's out now, but he won't talk to me at all, or even look at me."

"He probably feels betrayed." Suikotsu surmised. "And afraid."

"Afraid?" Bankotsu's brow furrowed. "Of what?"

"He probably thinks that you don't like him anymore, now that you saw what he did, instead of just hearing it." Suikotsu explained. "It makes it more real."

"I'm not afraid of him." Bankotsu shook his head slowly, feeling the idea was vaguely ridiculous, even though he had almost _wanted_ the pictures to scare him away from Jakotsu when he looked at them. "I feel the same as I did before."

"Did you tell him that?" Kikyo asked, her tone soft, a slow smile on her lips. Her hand was still on Suikotsu's arm, and something suddenly clicked in Bankotsu's mind.

_I've been so self-absorbed the whole time I've been here, I don't even notice what's going on with my friends. I hope they can help each other…I hope I can help myself. I hope Jakotsu can forgive me._

"No…no, I'll do that." He nodded sharply and turned, walking away, his chest feeling tight, as though there were an iron band wrapped around it, making it difficult to breathe. He wondered if it was healthy to need someone's approval this much, but then again…he was already in an asylum. He had already passed the point of worrying if he was normal or not. Now he only cared what Jakotsu thought.

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"What are you doing out here?" Jakotsu sounded hoarse, and his hair was a mess. Bankotsu wanted to touch it, to run his fingers through it and smooth it down. He wanted to grab Jakotsu and squeeze him and make him just _look_ at him, really look. Instead of that, he shrugged as casually as he could from where he sat beside the door, leaning against the wall and fidgeting nervously.

"Wanted to be." He answered, his lips dry and his nerves jangling. "I wanted to see you. I wanted to talk about…things."

"Sure, fine." Jakotsu sighed in resignation and stepped back into the room, holding the door open wider and gesturing for him to enter. Bankotsu blinked at him in surprise, not having expected him to agree to this so readily. "Look, no weapons, and I won't punch you or anything, okay?" Jakotsu mistook his surprise for hesitation to be alone with him, and he realized that Suikotsu had been right. Jakotsu probably thought that after seeing the pictures, he wouldn't want to have anything to do with him anymore.

"It's not…I'm not…I don't think you—"

"Whatever, just say whatever you have to say and go." Jakotsu sounded so weary, so resigned.

_He thinks I'm breaking up with him. He thinks I don't want to be with him anymore, maybe even that I'll ask to switch rooms so I don't have to be near him._

"I'm not afraid of you." He realized that these words were something that Jakotsu needed to hear, so he said them, lunging forward, pushing Jakotsu into the room and hugging him so tightly he thought the frail ribs might crack. The other man gasped, whether from having the wind knocked out of him or the surprise of having Bankotsu say that and rush into his arms, it was unclear. "I think…part of me wanted to see if I would be…if I could push myself away from you, but I can't. I don't give a shit what you did, I just want to be with you. I'm so damn sorry…so sorry. I didn't think about what it would mean to you, and I shouldn't have…"

"You aren't afraid of me?" Jakotsu asked, his voice shaky, his long, slender fingers delving into Bankotsu's hair, and he felt like he would cry with the sense of relief. Jakotsu still liked him, still wanted to hold him.

"You aren't the one to be afraid of…what you did, at least it made sense, at least you had something…some reason." Bankotsu nuzzled his neck, breathing in deeply. "It didn't scare me. I already knew, it didn't make any difference to me."

"Then why…why did you sneak behind my back to do it?" Jakotsu wanted to know.

"Because I thought you wouldn't want me to see." Bankotsu admitted. "And I guess…I mean, part of me understood you would be angry."

"I'm not…I just thought you were going to leave…since you knew." Jakotsu blinked at him.

"Are you afraid of me?" Bankotsu asked, his voice shaking.

"No way, why should I be?" Jakotsu asked.

"Don't you think I could just…out of nowhere. Just attack you like I did…" Bankotsu mumbled into his neck and Jakotsu frowned in confusion.

"You never just attacked someone out of nowhere, Ba-chan." Jakotsu reminded him gently. "You know what that man did, you were protecting your sister."

"Oh…yeah." Bankotsu let out a great sob, and Jakotsu closed the door, figuring they'd put on enough of a show for passers-by at this point and ushered him over to the bed, rubbing his back as he cried, his tears seeming to release the tension and frustration he'd been feeling, leaving him drained and exhausted. Jakotsu lay down beside him, calmly unwinding his braid, and by the time he'd started to brush the hair out with his fingers, Bankotsu had subsided to sniffles. "I never used to cry like that."

"I don't care," Jakotsu kissed his temple, pulling a long handful of hair aside to gain access to the skin his lips targeted. "I like lying with you, I like taking care of you. You make me feel…like I'm not such a waste."

"You're no waste." Bankotsu looked at him in shock. "You're…amazing. You're so…"

"After what I did…" Jakotsu pressed another kiss to his jaw line, "I thought…well, before I'd fooled around a lot, figuring that I was young, so it didn't matter. If I fell in love someday, I fell in love. I had all the time in the world, I never expected anything like this." He gestured around them to indicate the room, the institute at large. "And then…I figured that I'd never really be able to be serious with anyone. As soon as I told them the truth, as soon as I trusted them, they'd leave. Who would want someone who could kill them? No one would want to take that risk…and I thought I'd be alone, and the closest I'd ever have to a real relationship would be that lying asshole…it was like his weird revenge on me. I never thought I'd meet someone like you."

"I'm not so—"

"Shh," Jakotsu collapsed into him, clutching at him, his face disappearing in the hair surrounding them both. "Ba-chan…I'm trying to tell you." Bankotsu didn't know what that meant, but he lay silently, his fingers working their way through Jakotsu's hair as he had longed to do earlier, easing out the tangles, enjoying the smooth, cool texture. He became hypnotized by the work, easing fingers through an inch or so, slowly separating knots, smoothing it down, and starting again an inch higher. Jakotsu's hair was not as long as his or as thick, but it was so shiny, so silky, he loved to touch it, to press the strands against his own sheaf of hair, watch the contrast of his blue-black against Jakotsu's brown-black. Bankotsu's hair was naturally straight, but because of the braid it unwound as wavy as Jakotsu's, and it was nice to see the strands crossing over each other, blending and fading into each other. "I love you." Jakotsu's voice was so quiet, so soft and hesitant it didn't even sound like him, and Bankotsu thought at first he'd heard something inside his mind, not an actual voice, but when Jakotsu looked at him with eyes begging for a response, Bankotsu knew he had heard those words, knew that he meant them, and he knew that he felt the same way.

"I love you, too." He tangled his fingers in Jakotsu's hair, holding the side of his head and pulling him in, kissing him deeply, like he was trying to devour him, to absorb everything about him, to take in his taste and his essence and make it a part of him. As the kiss ended and they lay panting, staring into each others' eyes, an idea occurred to Bankotsu, and much as it terrified him, he felt it was only fair, so he spoke. "Did you…I mean, because I looked at your file. Did you want to look at mine?"

"No." Jakotsu kissed him and smiled softly. "I don't need to see it. You told me what happened, and anyway, if I get caught and sent to solitary, who will keep you safe at night?"

"It wasn't hard, you could sneak in easy." Bankotsu assured him, and Jakotsu pulled a face.

"Kagura helped you, didn't she?" he asked, and Bankotsu nodded, laughing sheepishly.

"Yeah, but promise you won't beat her up. She tried to convince me not to. She only did it because…well, I'm not supposed to say." Bankotsu explained, and Jakotsu snorted.

"Oh, you caught her with Kouga?" at the look of shock on Bankotsu's face he shrugged. "I caught them a year ago, but they didn't realize because I crept away, and they seemed a bit…occupied. So don't worry, you didn't spill to me. I already knew. I told you she was sleeping with an orderly."

"I thought you were joking…cause you don't like her…you know." Bankotsu shrugged and Jakotsu smiled mischievously.

"Kagura's not the only one around here who knows what everyone else is up to."

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To be continued…


	14. Chapter 14

Medication

Chapter 14

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"Well?" Bankotsu felt a pang of doubt as Sango bit her lip and stared down at her tea thoughtfully for what he deemed was much longer than necessary. He had decided that he wanted to tell her about his relationship with Jakotsu, as new as it was, just because he had come to value her advice and opinion. He had been nervous about this step, certainly, because he had a rather shrewd hunch that Jakotsu wasn't Sango's favorite person and vice versa, but he had even asked Jakotsu if it would be okay and the other man had collapsed in giggles before telling him that he was glad Bankotsu wasn't ashamed, and if he wanted to tell other people, that would be great.

_What's there to be ashamed of?_

When he considered the glow in Jakotsu's cheeks, the sparkle in his eyes and the size of his smile, it was clear that this must have been a good decision. But staring at Sango, watching her stare at her cup in turn, that look on her face that meant she was thinking of how to say something gently…he hated that look. It made his insides twist up in knots.

_What if there's a rule against this sort of thing with the inmates? What if they throw us in solitary? What if they force us to live in separate rooms? What if they transfer one of us to another facility?_

That last one was worse than all the others, and Bankotsu suddenly felt a wave of cold terror crash over him.

"Do you really want to know what I think?" she spoke then, just when his heart was beginning to speed up, and he nearly leapt out of his seat at the sudden response.

"Yes! That's why I told you about it, it's because I want to…I mean, you told me about Houshi, so it's only fair I should tell you." Bankotsu told her, his words a flurry as they left his mouth so quickly his tongue nearly tripped over them.

"I don't think it's really fair for me to say anything yet," she admitted. "I mean, it's still very new, isn't it? Were you two…was there anything going on before the incident with Naraku?"

"No…no, at that point I was still…I mean, it's a lot to think about, thinking you might feel that way about another guy when your whole life you thought you were definitely…well, I mean, it was confusing, and it was hard to figure out how I felt about him, and in a weird way, I mean, I hated when he had to go to solitary 'cause of our fight…I mean, honestly I felt it was as much me as him, but he just…took the blame because he knows how I get and didn't want me to be locked up alone. And part of the fight was like…it was sorta me trying to deal with my feelings, and now…I mean, before, I was so damn confused and frustrated, and now I feel happy…like really happy, like maybe there's a point to all this, like I have something I can look at and say 'I want to get better so I can do this.' That's…that's what I feel right now."

"So," Sango pursed her lips slightly, setting down her cup slowly as though she was using the time to gather her thoughts, decide what she wanted to say. "So, now you've decided that you want to be with him, that you two are more than friends, and that's what_ you_ want, not what he's pushed you into. And that makes you happy, and hopeful for the future?"

"Why do you have to say it in that _voice_?" Bankotsu demanded, throwing up his hands in annoyance. "And why are you making it sound like you think that he's like, tricking me into this? Jakotsu wouldn't make me do anything I don't want, he really cares about me. He told me…he said he loves me."

"I know how it feels to hear something like that when you really need it." Sango's voice was tense as she spoke again. "I know how it can make you feel like you'd do anything just to keep that feeling…just to keep knowing that someone wants you. But Bankotsu, I want you to be really careful here. I've seen Jakotsu's relationship patterns in the past, and my concern is that he's perhaps…not as serious about this as you are, and that you could end up being hurt emotionally as well as physically. Has he pressured you into anything that seems at all—"

"I know the sort of things he's into, and I already told him, if he wants to do that, he can." Bankotsu cut her off impatiently. "But you know what? He won't do _anything_, we haven't even had sex at all, and I know he wants to, I know he has problems, and he knows it, too. I know what he did to get sent here, and he knows about me, and we both want to…we want to work on our problems so that we can be happy, and we want to do it together, and I know that he used to be your patient and that he wasn't…well, when I first came here he wouldn't ever take his meds, and I'm sure I'm probably not supposed to tell you that, but I bet you figured it out for yourself, I mean, you aren't an idiot. But now…now he's really trying, and he's on his pills, and it's because we both want to actually have…a future together. And I knew you'd probably say stuff like this when I told you, but I still wanted to be honest, because it's important to me, and I don't want to lie to you, I just want…I just want to know I'm getting better, and I trust you to help me, but I think…I think this is a time when you have to trust me."

"Bankotsu…" Sango's brows arched upwards in concern, and she opened her mouth as if to continue arguing with him before she shook her head and pursed her lips. "Fine. But I'm going to be perfectly frank with you right now. I know for a fact that Jakotsu has been told frequently that he needs to learn to have a committed relationship, and that he delights in making a mockery of that advice. And if you know why he's here, you know he has a tendency to take things…a bit far. It's good to hear he's taking his medicine finally, I didn't think he was actually taking it, and I know his doctor was trying to think of some way to force him to…the problem with that is that the patient needs to understand that they _need_ the help or they'll never be able to make it in the real world. I just…I have _real _concerns about this. You are sounding very…very co-dependent, and Jakotsu would not be my number one choice for you as far as reliable partners. He has a history of polyamorous tendencies, so if you two are meant to be in a committed relationship, I'm going to warn you right now this would likely be his first ever success if he manages to stay faithful to you. And…I'm supposed to report things like this to Dr. Fuyu, but I'm going to turn a blind eye for now. But if I even catch a whiff of anything weird, if I see anything…if I hear he's been mistreating you…I'm sorry, but I just can't let him victimize you, no matter how angry you'll be at me for separating you two."

"You won't have to." Bankotsu jutted his chin out sharply. "You'll see. He's changed."

"I really hope so." She gave him a soft smile. "I think there's a real chance that he could be good to you, because of you…how you are. I really hope this works. I just want you to be happy."

"I am."

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"You know, if I didn't already hate her with an undying passion, her dedication to your wellbeing would almost make me think she was an okay human being." Jakotsu spoke up after Bankotsu finished telling him about how his session had gone. He blinked in surprise, having expected the other man to hurl endless abuse at Dr. Taijiya for daring to question him. "I can't believe she has Houshi ensnared…what a waste of a delicious man."

"Hey," Bankotsu yelped slightly, turning to look at Jakotsu, who was busily brushing his hair out. "Don't you think…I mean, since we're together…"

"Don't worry, I'm not going to continue my conquest." Jakotsu smiled brightly. "You have to see…if I'm serious enough to take my pills, I'm not going to fool around with every pretty boy I see. That doesn't mean I can't _see_ them." He frowned slightly and blinked at Bankotsu thoughtfully. "I'm not good at this, am I? That dumb bitch…now I'm paranoid that I'm going to wink at someone and end up transferred to some other hospital or something."

"You're allowed to look," Bankotsu flushed deeply, shamed by the fact that Jakotsu could so easily make him feel jealous. "I just…I guess I just want to really make it clear that…I mean, whatever you're used to with your random hook-ups, I can't really deal with that. I can't share you, I just…I can't. I'm sorry if that's a problem, but I'm not equipped to—"

"Hey, um, remember who you're talking to?" Jakotsu held up a hand and let one corner of his mouth edge up slightly. "Just because I'm used to doing whatever I feel like doesn't mean I don't understand what monogamy is. And while we're having this discussion, please don't cheat on me. I'm not going to have a chance to hack you up, what with the meds and the complete lack of sharp objects, but I really don't…."

"You don't have to worry about that," Bankotsu assured him, relief flooding him suddenly just to see that this worried Jakotsu as much as it worried him. "I'm not going to do anything like that. Anyway, you're the one that can get anyone they want."

"Okay, I don't know if you're fishing for compliments, but you have _got_ to know how sexy you are." Jakotsu snorted and rolled his eyes. "Item one, the hair! This is so…every time I sit here playing with it, I just want to get naked and wrap myself up in it."

"I…that could be…" Bankotsu's face went red as he had a sudden mental image of what Jakotsu was describing.

"Item two, the smoking hot body!" Jakotsu carried on, his hands leaving the deep tresses to rub over Bankotsu's shoulders and edge down his chest. "Do you know how torturous it is to have to watch you change every day and not be able to just…just…okay, I need to stop thinking about that."

"You…I already said you could—"

"And your eyes!" Jakotsu gasped, as though shocked he hadn't mentioned this before. "I didn't think a blue like that even _existed_, and they're so expressive, even without your mouth…and that would be a loss, trust me, even then I could tell what you were thinking, just from these," Jakotsu trailed long fingers over the side of Bankotsu's face, and he simply blinked, unable to keep up with this, and knowing that he would never be able to say anything half as good as what Jakotsu was saying to him. He knew how he felt, and he knew what he wanted, but he wasn't nearly as eloquent as Jakotsu, nor was he sure he would have the courage to say things like that. "Right now you're thinking you want to kiss me because I'm _so _romantic." Jakotsu leaned in, and they kissed briefly, both of them smiling into it. When they broke, Jakotsu nudged against Bankotsu's cheek, his lips at the other boy's ear. "I'm sorry, I know I'm not good at this, and I just want you to know that even if I fuck things up, I'll do everything I can to fix them. This isn't exactly the ideal situation, I know…but I think we can make the best of it."

"Hey," Bankotsu turned so that he was more comfortable, facing Jakotsu directly so that the other man wouldn't have to lean around him. "We're two teenagers living together, and we're in love. What's wrong with that?"

"Ba-chan," Jakotsu giggled, "I do love you. You make everything seem better."

"What time is it?" he asked, and Jakotsu twisted to check the clock.

"Five twenty." Jakotsu answered, "Why?"

"That gives us forty minutes before they come to make sure we get dinner and meds." Bankotsu sighed, wrapping his arm around the lithe body next to him. "And it takes ten minutes to braid my hair."

"I can do it in five," Jakotsu whispered mischievously. "I just like taking my time."

"Then you'll have to choose," Bankotsu pulled him in for a long, slow kiss. "Do you want those extra five minutes for this? Or is it worth it to play with my hair for a little longer?"

"Silly…" Jakotsu made a purring noise as Bankotsu moved his lips to the side of his neck. "I can do both at the same time…"

"Mmm, that sounds good."

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End file.
